Splice the mainbrace, flog the ship's cat and we're having chicken tonight! September 19th is Speak Like A Pirate Day.
The world of entertainment will be pulling out all the stops to get into the spirit of things, featuring a special pirate-themed episode of EastEnders on the big day, with an unfortunate keel-hauling for Dot Cotton when Walford is ransacked by marauding buccaneers. Even TV's glamourous Natasha Kaplinski will be joining in the fun, readin' the Ten O'Clock News in the Pirate Stylee* while George Alagiah walks the plank.
But the highlight of Pirate Day will be the fatal public flogging of "comic" Jim Davidson and the parading of his head on a pole around the City of London "as a warning to others" who may be tempted into becoming an unfunny racist cunt. This will actually take place tomorrow, because we just can't wait.
In the meantime, I have ordered a gross of hatches and a quantity of timber from the Screwfix catalogue, so I can batten them down and engage in some hardcore shivering on the big day. Yarr!
Err... There be no law 'pon the high seas!
* May contain traces of lie.