The National Lottery has been hit by scandal after news emerged that the organisation's Good Causes fund had spent £2m saving the original of the celebrated artwork "Tennis Girl Scratching Her Arse" for the nation.
The world famous picture will now hang in the National Gallery alongside works by Rembrandt, Botticelli and The Fallen Madonna with ze Big Boobies by van Klump.
A statement from Idiot Tax headquarters says that the Good Causes fund was forced to act "in the national interest" after the original versions of "Dogs Playing Cards" and "Cute Baby With Headphones" recently fell into the hands of foreign collectors.
The next big test for the Lottery is next week's auction at Christies, where original works featuring the popular orange-skinned models Jordan and Linzi Dawn Mackenzie and a mint collection of Fiesta Readers' Wives go under the auctioneer's hammer, with international jazz collectors expected to bid millions for this top quality British smut.
I expect you're wondering where the Thursday vote-o has gone. In fact, so am I - having forgotten that today is Thursday with the added woe of leaving my Big File of Scary Stories at work.
So, I'll be pulling together some scribbled notes this afternoon and presenting you with an all-new tale of mirth and woe in the morning. Vote-me-up!*
a) Special Bus: First class ticket to Hell, please! Don't expect political correctness in any way shape or form.
Bollocks to this, I'm off to buy a car.
* If you can be arsed.