The Universe, explained
Government Warning! The following may fry your sanity and turn you into a swearing, stumbling down-and-out
A few years ago I tried to imagine the infinite size of the universe. Because that's the kind of thing you do when you're mental.
You think of the most important thing in the galaxy - you - standing on the Earth. Then you travel away, as far as you can imagine. Slowly at first, picking up speed as you exit the solar system and head for the furthest reaches of the galaxy and the vast nothingness of the universe beyond.
But that's not enough, so you travel further, expanding the universe to as big as your imagination lets you. And that's still not enough. So you try to imagine an even larger infinity, which is still not large enough. Think of something even bigger stretching out forever beyond that. And still there's more.
Then you look back and try to find yourself in the whole scheme of things.
It was around this point that I realised two things:
a) how fucking huge the universe is. In fact, the word "fuckingcuntingfuckingcunting" does not come close to doing it justice
and b) how small, insignificant and pointless you are in the grand scheme of things.
A spot on the arse of a sub-atomic particle at the bottom of the deepest ocean. All cultural, religious and social assumptions collapse as you realise that nothing, nothing in the universe gives a shit about you.
Then, I had my first nervous breakdown, and realised this is how they make tramps. Perfectly normal, rational people who have fried their brains with a combination of Quantum theory and cheap cider.
Way to go, Einstein, you bastard.
Top five people named after animals
5. Snake Plissken
4. Tiger Woods
3. Kitten Natividad (Russ Meyer's favourite huge bazoomed temptress, now 57 and they hang around her knees)
2. Cat Deeley
1. Timmy Hung-like-a-giraffe Mallett.