I've been getting about a bit in the last few weeks, and have found myself swilling like a pig in the trough of C-List celebrity. Having met a few of the minor talents that do their best to make our lives as mediocre as possible, I am astonished at the number of famous people who are, and let's be blunt about this, orange.
It's dreadful, and clearly the result of an all-Sunny D diet, with the side effect that it turns each and every one of these people into a complete and utter tosser.
Let us examine the evidence:
* Vanessa Feltz
* The lovely Debbie MacGee
* Judith Chalmers
* Dale Winton
* David Dickinson
* Cliff Richard
* Max Clifford
* Katie "Jordan" Price and Peter Andre
M. Clifford, from personal and unpleasant experience is also the Worst Person Ever, taking the crown from Phil Collins, head and orange shoulders above the rest of the competition. Which goes to prove my point, really.
Now that K. Price and P. Andre are the first two orange celebrities to breed, it will be intriguing (terrifying) to see how their offspring turns out. My money : "red".
The Celebrity Vote-o
So, it's mirth AND woe, you're after, then? I can do that, and so, it seems does regular reader GW, who tells us a rather good tale of Celebrity Mirth and Woe.
And by way of marking this auspicious event, I've asked all of my celebrity mates to come along and help out with this week's Thursday vote-o. Wonderful, wonderful people, the lot of them. Luckily, I couldn't be arsed to write anything new this week, so there's only four of them:
* The Operator: "Snort!" went Kate, "Snooo-oooorrrt!", and the manager of the supermarket was forced to put a sign in the window: "Sorry. No Vim."
* Driving Test: Natasha smiled. Buying a nail-gun and a gross of badgers was the most fun she'd had since Strictly Come Dancing. The Six O'clock News had barely finished, and the BBC's switchboard was lit up like a Christmas tree.
* Dibs: It was the country's darkest hour - parliament in jeopardy from a heavily-armed rodent army, and not a single MP knew how to impersonate a cat. Gorgeous George was missing again.
* Pickle: "Hello, my name is James, and I'm an annoying cunt." At last, young Blunt had found a support group that would help him with his problem.
Vote, and indeed, me-do!