"Dear Private Eye,
I wonder if any of your readers have noticed the striking resemblance between Colin Hunt, the amusingly coiffured office annoyance from the popular television programme The Fast Show; and Chris Martin, the amusingly coiffured musical annoyance from the popular beat combo Coldplay?
I wonder, if by chance, they are related.
Ticker Ticker Timex
I got a watch for my birthday. It is the biggest, heaviest wristwatch in the world and has the look and feel of having a coffin strapped to your arm.
Luckily for me, it was engineered by Q Division of the British Secret Service, and has features that are so secret and mind-bogglingly excellent, that I would have to activate the built-in memory eraser if I ever told you.
Needless to say, the See-Through-Ladies-Clothes function is a firm favourite, but really sucks up battery power. I have yet to attempt "Renew Library Books" and "Fidel Castro-a-like" yet.
It is the best watch, ever, and reminds me of this poor quality joke I once saw in a poor quality jokebook:
Dad: "What happened to the shock-proof, water-proof, bullet-proof, lightning-proof, radiation-proof, acid-proof wristwatch I gave you for your birthday?"
Son: "I lost it."
I will never lose this watch. Because it's as big as Basingstoke.