Operation Manky Garden
Friday's story on the use of human poo - sourced from my own fair bottom by unscrupulous, manky farmers - to fertilize local fields, and its resulting bowk-making by-product that was a rich tomato crop, drew this reply from my sister:
Me: Nobody could quite bring themselves to pick any...
She: Hold up though - wasn't there one person that picked those tomatoes? Our mother, to serve them up as part of the salad that accompanied the inevitable Monday tea-time cold meats. God only knows how many generations of tomato plants our family 'sowed'. Yes indeed. You (and I) ate poo tomatoes.
AAAAARGH! I say. AAAAARGH!!! It is, perhaps, about twenty years too late to shave my tongue, but the damage has, indeed, been done. Now, all that is left is a terrible desire for blind revenge on an unsuspecting society.
And revenge shall be mine. Served cold. With salad.
So, I bring you Operation Manky Garden, a seven-step plan to world domination.
Here's what we do. No time like the present, I say, so get out there and get sowing.
1. Eat tomatoes. Loads of them, over a period of several days, just to be on the safe side. Alan Titchmarsh recommends the "Gardener's Delight" variety, which also comes with the Soil(ed) Association's Seal of Approval. If you are feeling particularly adventurous, why not try radishes, a pumpkin, or some nice runner beans?
2. Dig a hole in your garden. Or, if you have the gardening bug, get hold of one of those Fisons grow-bags and stick it in your greenhouse.
3. Done a poo. In the hole. You may need several attempts if your aim isn't so hot. And mind you don't step in it.
4. Cover over and water regularly. You probably won't need to feed your crop, because it's come ready-fertilized. And there lies the beauty.
5. Bookmark this page, and come back in six months to compare notes.
6. When the time, and the fruit, is ripe, donate your bulging crop to a grateful vicar for this year's Harvest Festival.
7. Laugh evilly, because revenge is yours.
Are you with me? Are you? Yes! This plan is absolutely 100 per cent fool-proof. What could possibly go wrong? I will actually offer real cash money prizes to any reader who can provide genuine bum tomatoes. Photographic evidence need not be necessary.
This is a genuine scientific experiment in botany, biology and, of course, scatology; and the more participants the better. Just don't let your significant other catch you crapping in the garden without a reasonable excuse. "Some chap on the internet told me to" is not a reasonable excuse. I know. I've tried it.
B3ta people! Click-me-do for the front page and more of this mank, including a nice story about bollocks.