Condensed Films: Casino Royale
Good God, this one's already selling at £4.97 in Asda. Go out and buy your own copy. Or, if you still can't be bothered to watch this latest secret services recruitment video, we've chopped it up into very small pieces, added more swears and boiled the thing down to a mere 500 words.
TITLES: Awful song, naked ladies.
James Bond: Hello. I am James Bond and I am excellent. I've just got my shiny new Double-O licence, and I'm off out to kill some foreigns. Isn't that right, Mrs M?
Mrs M: Get out of my house. FFS.
Foreign: Ah hahahaha! I have got away from J. Bond with my camera-friendly l33t running-and-jumping-about sk1llz and by hiding in my country's embassy, where I am supposedly safe. ROFFLE!
J. Bond: Oh yeah? Shooty shooty bang bang! LOLZ.
Foreign: Ouch. Oh, I'm dead.
Mrs. M: Roger me stupid Bond, that was a bit out of order.
J. Bond: Sorry, Mrs M. ;(
Mrs. M: And get out of my house, FFS. While you're at it, you might want to stop those bad people from taking over the world by way of some sort of over-complicated plot that involves winning vast quantities of money in a game of poker. I think.
J. Bond: What? Oh. Right.
Mrs. M: *sigh* He's so hunky. I hope something terrible doesn't happen to him, for eg getting tied up naked and having his genitals whipped with a knotted rope.
J. Bond: Hello Bond girl? How about a quick knee-trembler while we're waiting for the next bit of plot to come along?
Bond Girl: No. I am playing hard-to-get, but will eventually cave in at some stage during the final reel, before the inevitable bloody conclusion.
J. Bond: Have you got Mrs. M's money, so I can totally whip the bad guy at cards?
Bond Girl: Don't do anything stupid like lose it all at poker. LOL
J. Bond: Whoops. Anyone got a fiver till payday?
L. Chiffre: In your face English! LOLOL!
F. Leiter: Hello. I am Felix Leiter of the CIA and I am excellent. In previous films I was a white, middle-aged man. Now I am young, thrusting and black. Have some of the CIA's money. We were only going to spend it on whores for Central American dictators anyway.
J. Bond: Ta. Hey! I won! w00t!
L. Chiffre: FFS! Arse! PWNED!
Bond Girl: ONOZ! I have been kidnapped by an enraged L. Chiffre. Plz to rescue me!
J. Bond: I cannot, because I too have been kidnapped and now L. Chiffre has tied me to a chair and is whipping my genitals with a knotted rope. Actually, it's quite fun.
L. Chiffre: Fun for you, maybe. Someone appears to have shot me to death. Ouch
J. Bond: I quit, and now I am off to Venice with Bond Girl, with whom I have recently fallen in love. I bet you any money and knowing my recent luck viz knotted ropes to the plums, she is about to double-cross me
Bond Girl: LOLZ! I have double-crossed you. But ONOZ! Now I am dead. Glug.
J. Bond: ROFFLE. Bitch. But hang on - she has also double-crossed the real bad guy, who has only been in two scenes so far.
Real Bad Guy: You utter git, Bond. You just shot me in the kneecap
J. Bond: LOLOLOL!
Woody Allen: So, I ...err... I'm not in this version, then?