Monday, May 14, 2007

Spiderman III: So you don't have to

Spiderman III: So you don't have to

Sunday night to the flicks, where I spent far too much time watching Spiderman III.

Although a feast for the eyes, I can only agree with the critics' view that the film is far too long at a massive 16 hours and 47 minutes, most of which is spent listening to Kirsten Dunst whining about how bad her life is while Tobey MacGuire mugs it up for the camera.

So: to save you the bother, I have condensed the entire over-complicated plot down to a couple of hundred easy-to-follow words, which should tide you over to the DVD release, where at least you can fast-forward through the dull bits about cooking omelettes.

Main Titles - Un film de S. Duck

Peter Parker: Hi! I'm Spiderman, and I'm excellent. I'm in love with Mary Jane, who is also excellent.

Mary Jane: whinewhinewhinewhine

Green Goblin: Die Spiderman, die! You killed my father! Ouch.

P. Parker: OMFG! I've put G. Goblin - who is also my best friend - in hospital.

G. Goblin: Don't worry - I've lost my memory. We're all best buddies again!

P. Parker: w00t!

Mary Jane's Boss: You're fired!

Mary Jane: whinewhinewhinewhine

Sandman: Hey! I'm made of sand! Excellent! Now to rob a bank, or something. Oh noes - water!

P. Parker: That'll learn you for being made of sand, Sandman

The Ghost of Willem Defoe: WoooOOOoooo! Avenge my death! I've been dead for two movies and you still haven't avenged me! WooooOOOoooo!

G. Goblin: Hey! My memory's come back! Thanks Dad! Now to snog Mary Jane and kill P. Parker!

Mary Jane: whinewhinewhinewhine

P. Parker: Hey! Look at this cool black Spiderman outfit I've got. It's made me even more excellent!

Mary Jane: whinewhinewhinewhine

P. Parker: Oh. It has also made me an enormous cock. Here - have this black Spiderman outfit.

Venom: Ta. Now to kill P. Parker. ROFFLE.

Sandman: Yes, I also want to kill P. Parker, because he flushed me down the toilet.

Venom: I know! Let's kidnap Mary Jane and kill P. Parker to death! LOLZ.

Mary Jane: whinewhinewhinewhine

P. Parker: ONOZ!

G. Goblin: I have changed my mind and am no longer evil. Take that Sandman!

Sandman: Ouch

G. Goblin: OMFG, I'm dead.

Venom: Don't worry, so am I.

Sandman: I've just realised that it's all been a dreadful mistake, and I'm sorry for killing your uncle, messing with your head an' turning you into Spiderman, hell bent on revenge an' all that. I was just doing it for my daughter, who is ill and needs loads of money to cure her, which I decided to steal rather than go out and get a job. Sorry.

P. Parker: OK.

Sandman: So, if it's alright with you, I'm off to go and be a desert or a beach, or something. LOLZ

P. Parker: I love you Mary Jane

Mary Jane: whinewhinewhinewhine

The End. Or is it?*

*Yes. Yes it is.

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