Condensed Films: 300

Condensed Films: 300

Time poor? Don't fancy mixing it with the popcorn-munching proles at the cinema? Need to bluff your way as a connoisseur of the filmic arts? Never fear - we've taken popular movies, boiled them down, and delivered them here in the easy-to-understand language of today's youth. It's a service. We do it because we love you.


300

Leonidas: Hello. I am Leonidas, king of the Spartans, and I am excellent. My good friends and I shall spend the next two hours in your company killing Persians, wearing nothing but a cloak, a helmet and a pair of leather swimming trunks between the lot of us. But it doesn't make me a homo, honest.

Xerxes: Hello. I am Xerxes, king of the Persians, and I too am excellent. My good friends and I will spend the next two hours in your company trying to invade Greece and having loads of manly sex with enormously-endowed ladies. Hey, nice abs, Spartan bloke!

Leonidas: Thanks, I work out a lot. But I'm not a homo, honest.

Xerxes: Then I might have to kill you. To death. LOLZ!

Leonidas: ONOZ! SPARTANS!

Spartans: We're not homos, honest boss. God, where did that bottle of baby oil come from?

Leonidas: See those Persians? Kill them. Kill them to death. ROFFLE.

Several thousand Persians: Oh dear, we appear to be dead. Quite spectacularly, and in extreme slow motion.

Leonidas: LOLZ. I put that one's head up a horse's bottom.

Spartans: LOLZ. You're a card, boss.

Ephialtes: I am a Spartan, although hideously deformed. Can I join yr army, plz?

Leondias: FFS, no. We do not have an inclusive disability policy. Also: I don't fancy you.

Ephialtes: Then I shall be off to betray you to Xerxes and have lots of depraved hunchback sex

Xerxes: Here, have loads of depraved hunchback sex. LOLZ!

Ephialtes: Result!

Dildos: OMFG! That hunchback who said he would betray us to the Persians - you're never going to believe this - he's only gone and betrayed us to the Persians, the enormous bastard.

Leonidas: Would you fucking credit it? Jeez, like I never saw that coming.

Xerxes: Ha! Now to kill you all to death, even though you all have fantastic abs and claim not to be homos. LOLZ!

Leonidas: Ouch, that really, really hurts.

Spartans: Yes. It does. And we all appear to be dead. Apart from Dildos, who got away, the spawny bastard.

Dildos: Yes. I got away. LOL. I have arrived back in Sparta, where there was a dull sub-plot that did not involve any bumming or swordplay. My tale will unite all of Greece against Persia, resulting in a crushing home victory at the Battle of Plataea. Then there will be plenty of time for bumming if you are that way inclined. Which I am not.

Xerxes: ARSE!

THE END