Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Condensed Films: Pretty Woman

Condensed Films: Pretty Woman

You terrible bunch of bastards. I have, in the name of research, sat through the awful, hideous Pretty Woman, just so I can write this condensed movie wossname by way of a warning to you all. That's two hours of my life I won't see again. And I demand your worship. Or, pity at the very least.

So: Pretty Woman, the worst film in the world, five hundred easy-to-swallow words, so you don't have to.

Pretty Woman

R. Gere: Hello. I am R. Gere and I am excellent. However, despite being filthy stinking rich, I cannot find even the shallowest of women to have se... I mean go to business functions with.

J. Roberts: Hello. I am J. Roberts and I am also excellent. Despite having fantastically hairy armpits, I am The Prostitute of All Your Hearts and charge extra for rodent play.

R. Gere: For some reason that defies all sanity and logic, I shall ask this street-corner slattern to pretend to be my wife. That'll play well. Genital herpes, here I come!

J. Roberts: Here comes a rich guy in an enormous phallic symbol car. Watch how I totally rip him off and give him genital herpes. ROFFLE!

R. Gere: Hello, Tart-with-Heart. I am certainly not a kerb-crawler, and I have never knowingly put a live hamster up my bottom. Plz to sit in my enormous phallic symbol car. I promise not to murder you to death or anything. LOLz.

J. Roberts: Yes. I totally believe you. PS Happy finish fifty dollars extra.

R. Gere: I will give you any money if you pretend to be my wife

J. Roberts: You filthy pervert. OK. PS Bareback 100 dollars extra.

R. Gere: ROFFLE. Plz to spend all my money in swish Beverley Hills boutiques as this is clearly Hollywood's twisted interpretation of the American Dream made flesh. Or something. In return I shall fix your toilet mouth and teach you to act like a lady.

J. Roberts: OMFG! I am living Hollywood's twisted interpetation of the American Dream made flesh and will let you take pictures for a mere 150 dollars extra.

R. Gere: Repeat after me - The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane.

J. Roberts: Spunk on my tits, stud-muffin. PS Strap-on action 200 dollars extra.

R. Gere: By Jove! I think she's got it! In fact, it hurts to piss and I think I've got it too. LOLZ

J. Roberts: OMFG! You have turned me into a proper high-class whore and I shall love you always, R. Gere! ROFFLE.

R. Gere: I love you too! See? I've got you a pearl necklace.

J. Roberts: WTF?! You filthy pervert. Pearl necklace is 250 dollars extra.

R. Orbison: Mercy!

THE END. Thank God.

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