Condensed Films: Star Wars
Want to look like a film buff? Can't be bothered? Well, neither can we, but with this handy cut-out-and-keep guide to your favourite movies, we can all look like we all know our Wookies from our lightly-oiled Carrie Fishers. And who are we to complain? For your convenience, some characters have been merged into one, handy less annoying walking dustbin.
Darth Vader: Hello. I am Darth Vader and I am excellent. However, despite being a Sith Lord, Knower of All Things and the Green Cross Man, I have completely failed to recognise my own daughter
Princess Leia: You'll never take me alive! Oh. You have.
C3-D2: We have escaped to some horrible planet
L. Skywalker: I am trapped on this horrible planet. And now I must buy some droids. PS Hello. I am L. Skywalker, and I am excellent.
C3-D2: Hello. Buy us! Then we must run away and find B. Kenobi
B. Kenobi: Hello. I am Ben Kenobi and I am excellent. I have found your droid, who has a message from a rather fetching young lady in a see-through dress. Being a Jedi Master, Knower of All Things and George Smiley the famous spy, I have completely failed to recognise that she is your twin sister
L. Skywalker: What? I was too busy thinking of all the things I could do to that babe in the see-through dress.
H. Solo: Hello! Yes! I'll let you borrow my space ship
B. Kenobi: Excellent!
C. Bacca: Waaaaargh!
D. Vader: Recognise that planet?
P. Leia: Yes. I live there.
D. Vader: What planet? LOLZ! Loser!
P. Leia: OMFG! You blew up my dad! Even though I was adopted an' all that, and you're my real dad ...err... nothing
H. Solo: Here we are! I'll just park up by that small moon.
B. Kenobi: That's no moon
L. Skywalker: And we appear to have been captured :(
H. Solo: Don't worry. We can rescue that sexy chick in the see-through dress who also appears to have been captured. You get sloppy seconds.
C. Bacca: Waaaaaaaaaargh!
H. Solo: Make that sloppy thirds
P. Leia: I'm not going to thank you for rescuing me, because I'm uptight like that. OK, just one kiss. No tongues.
L. Skywalker: A hub a hub a hub a hub-hub
D. Vader: OMFG! It is B. Kenobi. Die in a fire!
B. Kenobi: Alright then. LOL. Ha. Didn't hurt a bit.
H. Solo: Run away!
L. Skywalker: Now to blow up the Death Star
B. Kenobi: Hello L. Skywalker. I am now talking to you inside your head, even though I have carked it. Don't worry. You are not a mental. ROFFLE
L. Skywalker: Riiiiight
Porkins: Ouch. I appear to be dead.
D. Vader: PWNED! Now to kill this one, who is certainly not my son, because I am a Sith Lord and am Seer of All Things.
H. Solo: Yeeehaaa!
D. Vader: WTF?!
B. Kenobi: L. Skywalker! Use the hastily-thought-out belief system we made up for this film which will end up rather embarrassingly as the genuine religion to saddo fanboys some 20 years down the line Luke, Use the... PS You are not turning into a mental who hears voices, honest
L. Skywalker: Ooooh, lucky shot, but I'm going to thank Jesus ...err... Karma... err... The Force. Yes. The Force
Death Star's 700,000 Crew: WTF?! We all appear to be dead. You massive bastard L. Skywalker!
L. Skywalker: Yoinks! Now to get off with that hot bird with the see-through dress.
H. Solo: Too late bud, I'm already well in there.
C. Bacca: Waaaaaargh!
H. Solo: LOL!
The End: Or is it?*
* No. We've still got J.J. Binks to come. And Ewoks. Bloody Ewoks.