Condensed Films: The Terminator

Condensed Films: The Terminator

Here we go again with another condensed movie classic. Now that Governor Arnie is no longer making films, we're reduced to remixing the ones already loose in the wild. And what better way than to boil ROBO DEATH-FEST The Terminator down to eight hundred words of the best Queen's English for the disaffected youth of today?

I'll be back.

The Terminator

Teh Terminator: Hello. I am TEH TERMINATOR and I am excellent. Today, I shall be mostly travelling back in time to kill S. Connor TO DEATH. LULz

Hairy biker: LOL. You is nekkid

Teh Terminator: No, you is nekkid. PS Vote Arnie

Hairy biker: COCK

Teh Terminator: FFS. Teh phone book has loads of S. Connors. I could be here all day

S. Connor: Hello. I am S. Connor and I am excellent. Today, I shall be mostly going about my innocent business and trying not to get killed TO DETH

Teh Terminator: Excuse me plz. R U S. Connor?

10 PRINT "Excuse me plz. R U S. Connor?"
20 INPUT A$
30 IF A$="Y" OR "YES" THEN KILL TO DETH
40 IF A$="N" OR "NO" THEN PRINT "KTHXBAI"
50 GOTO 10

S. Connor: Yes. Yes I... glaaaark... DED

Teh Terminator: LOLOL

S. Connor: Hello. I am S. Connor and I, too, am excellent. Today, I shall be mostly going about my innocent business, just like that other S. Connor that just got killed TO DETH. Oh.

Teh Terminator. Excuse me plz. R U S. Connor?

S. Connor: Yes. Yes I... glaaaark... DED

Teh Terminator: LOLOL

K. Reese: Hello. I am K. Reese and I am excellent. Today, I shall be travelling back in time to stop S. Connor from getting killed TO DEATH. Also, I am nekkid, and strangely aroused

TEH COPS: Hey! You! Nekkid man! Put the weapon down and assume the position

K. Reese: That's not a weapon. Yoinks!

S. Connor: Hello. I am teh REAL S. Connor and I am rather more excellent than those other, S. Connors who are FULL OF FAIL. Today, I will be mostly not falling for that 'R U S. Connor?' guff

Teh Terminator: R U S. Connor?

S. Connor's friend: Glaaaark... DED

S. Connor: LOL. I mean AAAAAAAAAARGH! Run away!

K. Reese: Plz to let me rescue you

S. Connor: Cor. Hunk. A hub a hub a hub a hib a hub hub hub

K. Reese: No, srsly. I am from TEH FUTURE and I am here to save you from TEH TERMINATORS who are going to TAKE OVER TEH WORLD if they can kill your son TO DETH that you haven't given birth to yet

S. Connor: Yeh, right. Worst. Chat-up. EVAH.

K. Reese: PS I am not mad

S. Connor: Tell that to TEH COPS

Teh Cops: Hey! It's that nekkid guy! Hope ya like prison food and getting bummy, creep. LOL

K. Reese: Oh, spoons

Teh Cops: Don't worry, S. Connor, we'll protect you from the crazed S. Connor-killing lunatic, if it's the last thing we do.

Teh Terminator: I'll be back Shooty shooty kill kill kill. ROFFLE

Teh Cops: Oh, cock. We are all TEH DED

Teh Terminator: LOLOLOL

S. Connor: Soz, mental bloke from TEH FUTURE. I thought you were a MENTAL, LOL

K. Reese: Now we must kill TEH TERMINATOR to save TEH WURLD. But first we must have FUTURE SEX FROM TEH FUTURE

Thirty seconds later...

K. Reese: That was the best FUTURE SEX FROM THE FUTURE EVAH

S. Connor: FUTURE SEX FROM TEH FUTURE is not all it is cracked up to be

K. Reese: ONOZ! Teh Terminator haz found us!

Teh Terminator's Help File: Hello! I see you're trying to kill the saviour of the human race. Would you like some help with that?

K.Reese: ONOZ! It is trying to kill us TO DETH with a giant talking paper clip! I shall blow it up with my huge bomb in a petrol tanker

Huge bomb in a petrol tanker: Pop

K. Reese: ONOZ and FFS! My huge bomb in a petrol tanker didn't kill Teh Terminator! EPIC FAIL

S. Connor: Also, why does TEH TERMINATOR have an enormous willy attachment?

K. Reese: That's for FUTURE ROBO BUM SEX from TEH FUTURE. It is even worse than FUTURE SEX from TEH FUTURE and is also full of FAIL

S. Connor: Oh. How full of FAIL?

K. Reese: All TEH FAIL. I couldn't sit down for a week

Teh Terminator: Now to kill you all TO DETH for TEH LULZ

K. Reese: Ouch. I am TEH DED. But not before I made you TEH PREGNANT

S. Connor: What? You bastard! Don't you realise it's 1984? Ronald Reagan's president, FFS. I might as well be living in a cardboard box.

Teh Terminator: LOL. Just wait until I'm in charge. Vote Arnie!

S. Connor: Die die diediediediedie! DIE!

Teh Terminator: Abort, Retry, Fail

S. Connor: Die! DIE DIE!DIEDIEDIE!

Teh Terminator: Don't rub it is FFS. I'm TEH DED already. BSOD

S. Connor: That's what you get for running MS Windows for Skynet, LOL

Teh Terminator: I'm not quite DED

S. Connor: DIE! DIE!DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!

Teh Terminator: ouch

S. Connor: W00T! I am FULL OF WIN. Now to go on the run and SAVE HUMANITY from CERTAIN DETH

TEH END – or is it?*

* No