Once again, it is down to me to explain TEH NEWS in terms that even a Sun Reader can understand, because current affairs are far too complex for us in these time-poor days.
In fact, I am parcelling all these condensed nuggets of wisdom and sending them to (oh-ho!) ZaNu La-Bore's Gordon Clown, just to keep him in the loop of this whole blowing-people-up-for-LULz-and-martyrdom thing.
I am, then, doing this for THE GOOD OF THE NATION. Are you watching David Milliband and your ridiculous bum-fluff tache? Good.
Today: The spread of Islamic extremist terrorism described in terms of "Ip dip"
One. Bad. Abu Hamza.
Eeenie meenie minie moThere. I hope this clears up the mysteries of TEH NEWS and WORLD DIPLOMACY for once and for all.
Catch bin Laden by the toe
If he hollers let him go
Because, frankly, bombing the shit out of the Middle East is no way to run your foreign policy
And now, the sport
In which your humble writer lands a gig blogging for the News of the Screws.
Before I am accused of selling my soul to devil incarnate Rupert Murdoch, I'd like to point out that - gulp - no money has changed hands. I am in it, sadly, only for the byline.
It shall be my crowning glory, then, that I managed to get the words "bizarre space-hopper accident" into the national press. I dare say "sick inna hedge" will get an outing before long.