The Rikaitch is back...

The Rikaitch is back

and hogging the duck's space. He recently contacted me with an offer I could not refuse...
"Can you run my blog for a couple of days, or shall I just submit a small brown package through your letterbox?" He asked.
"Gneep" I said, losing bladder control (again). "Shall I sort out your template whilst I'm there?" I offered.
"Touch my ^#@+ing template and I'll make you wear a Chelsea shirt only, with David Mellor blindfolded, force fed Viagra, and locked in the same room..." he replied.
I'll take that as a no then.
First of all, I am taking the opportunity to entertain you with my tales of mirth and woe, and so tomorrow have chosen some choice tales from my own blog. Please to be choosing, and including lines to add.

• Forest Fire - Kids, woods and lighters never mix.
• Drink Up - The tale of my first teenage foray into too much alcohol.
• The Definition of Pain - My favourite tale of woe, with added Sphincterotomy.
  

Meanwhile, I have condensed a film for your entertainment.

Top Gun

P. Maverick: Hello. I am Maverick of planet Scientology, and I am excellent.
B. Cougar: I am Cougar, and I haz fly.
P. Maverick: I am taking pix whilst upside down LOLZ
B. Cougar: Onoz, I am losing it. I am not mad.
P. Maverick: I haz lost an aircraft carrier, haz u seen it?
T. Stinger: Onoz. I am your boss (and also the headmaster in Back to the Future), and u haz to go to Top Gun
M. Viper: I am teh best pilotz. I am here to show you how to fly.
T. Iceman: I am Iceman, and I am the alpha male.
P. Maverick: I haz lost that loving feeling.
C. Blackwood: I am teh blonde bint. I know all about you flyboyz.
P. Maverick: Would you like to see my joystick? Fnarr Fnarr.
N. Goose: C'mon the Mav. One more game. We're being pwned.
P. Maverick: I haz to go get my willy serviced.
C. Blackwood: I am hungry for your saveloy.
P. Maverick: I haz to shower.
R. Jester: I am your boss. Do not shoot me.
P. Maverick: W00t! I haz cheated, now Jester's dead.
C. Blackwood: I haz no respect for your flying. I, however, wants to play shaggy shaggy.
P. Maverick: Hubba Hubba.
Music: Take my breath away.
P. Maverick: Goose is really my bum boy.
N. Goose: We can win this.
P. Maverick: I haz a flat spin.
N. Goose: Onoz. I haz died.
P. Maverick: I can't go on.
C. Blackwood. U haz to fly. U likes hair on fire.
P. Maverick: I haz to fly. I haz no wingman
S. Merlin: I am an extra. I can flyz.
T. Stinger: I am your boss again. I haz bogies.
P. Maverick: I haz to slow down.
S. Merlin: U iz mad. I has wet pants.
T. Iceman: I has lost it. I haz been beaten.
P. Maverick: I shall save you Iceman
R. Slider: I haz no bogiez.
T. Iceman: Maverick iz my wingman.
P. Maverick: Wrong, Iceman iz my wingman.
M. Viper: I haz a job for u.
P. Maverick: I am teh Top Gun.