It comes to something that a grown man finds himself sitting in front of a family movie on TV, and instead of watching it quietly, he spends the next hour and a half condensing it to size and taking the piss out of the female lead's annoyingly squinty face.
Yes, they showed the utterly charming biopic of Beatrix Potter on Sunday night, and I couldn't leave it alone.
Miss Potter
Squinty-eyed R. Zellweger: Hello. I am B. Potter and I am excellent, but I am cursed by an annoyingly squinty face. Today, I shall be mostly publishing my cute ickle children's books about bunnies and kittens an' stuffObi Wan Kenobi: Hello. I am O. W. Kenobi, and I am excellent. Today I shall be mostly publishing the cute ickle children's books of Miss Squinty-eyed B. Potter, for TEH LULZ
Squinty-eyed R. Zellweger: W00t! My cute ickle children's books about bunnies and kittens have made me unspeakably rich!
Obi Wan Kenobi: Plz to marry me. Even though your squinty face makes me feel ill and you spend all your time drawing pictures of cute fluffy bunnies and kittens. It's …err… not about the money. At all. Honest.
Squinty-eyed R. Zellweger: KK
Obi Wan Kenobi: Just do us a favour and wear this bag over your head while I get my light sabre out
Squinty-eyed R. Zellweger: Anything you say, my Jedi warrior love. My squinty face has already broken three mirrors this week
Obi Wan Kenobi: Oh. I am TEH DEAD, just as I was about to see her lady-garden. That's a bollock.
Squinty-eyed R. Zellweger: ONOZ! I am so sad, and I can never love again
Childhood sweetheart: Plz to marry me, even though you have an annoyingly squinty face and spend all your time writing cute ickle children's books about bunnies and kittens an' stuff
Squinty-eyed R. Zellweger: Obi Wan who? LOL
Childhood sweetheart: This bag – plz to wear it
TEH END - Or is it?*
* Yes. Yes it is.
I'm open to requests for my next Condensed Movie. I'm leaning towards Indiana Jones and TEH Last Crusade. But... over to you.
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