I recently exercised my right as a law-abiding citizen and entered the world of local politics by attending a PACT meeting in Weymouth - the local plod's attempt to bring crime-fighting to communities.I'm all for crime-fighting and I am giving some serious consideration to getting my own costume and sidekick (Lobsterman and Crab Boy, their powers being the result of a radioactive fish supper), so I trolled along to see if my ideas regarding crime and punishment tie up with those in so-called authority.
"What about people crapping in hedges?" I ask, as we move onto item 17 of the agenda: "People crapping in hedges near Lobsterman's secret lair"
"What about them?" the chairman responds, eyes rolling toward the ceiling.
"Law-abiding citizens cannot move for perps crapping in hedges," I reply, "It is not a victimless crime."
"And tell me," he said, turning the onus on myself and Crab Boy, the cunning devil, "What do you think we should be doing with these so-called criminals?"
"Simple: Tie 'em to a post at low tide and leave 'em for the crabs."
"Crabs, again."
"And what," I ask, drawing myself up to my full height despite the costume chaffing the private areas somewhat, "What is wrong with crab justice?"
"It's the same punishment you recommend for fly-tipping, speeding drivers, vagrants, overdue library books and old men in socks and sandals."
He fixed me with a gimlet stare and gave me both barrels: "We really don't think your plans are realistic - no court in the land will allow rows of naked, crab-eaten corpses at low water mark, not now, not ever. And it'd kill the tourist trade.
"And another thing: Get out."
Stupid pencil-necked desk pilots. What do they know about modern crime-fighting?
To the 
22 comments:
I done a lol.
UNTIL my plan to flood Luton, making Marsh Farm a beach resort, overcomes the pettifogging bureaucratic hurdles which currently beset it (I have high hopes should Esther be elected next week) we have no crab- justice option. What exemplary punishments do you suggest for the land-locked miscreant?
I applaud you.
Also, please participate in my open survey of pissing yourself @ sigg3.net/entry/1439
What? Since when did self-promotion become a crime.
Uh, what's this? CRABS! CRABS IN MY OFFICE!!!
Boggins: I suggest filling your local leisure pool with sea water, then CRAB JUSTICE will be available for all.
I am not mad.
I think you have confused crapping inna hedge with being sick inna hedge.
And what does PACT stand for? Police are criminal tossers?
Police And Citizen Taliban.
Police and Criminals Tromboning
Can you really get an STD from the sea of Weymouth beach?
German Tony
Could go for fresh water cray fish justice.
Neighbourhood Watch would be so much better if everyone did get to dress up as super heroes. I'd do it.
Stu: Dress up if you like. I could franchise out, and I'd be rich - RICH!
Does crab-boy wear a shell suit?
I have a vision of Lobsterman and Crab Boy being chased by cats and dogs (and possibly the hungry homeless) throughout the neighbourhood.
Oh yes. When the chips are down, and you're about to get battered, or you find yourself in a spot of hot water you can rely on the fishy twosome to dive in to the rescue.
1. The only crabs round my way are to be found in the local slappers knickers.
2. Any relation to the pirate standing for Westminster wi' the duck on his head?
Donna: Cap'n Tom and I have a certain history, yes.
He done this, I helped (a little): http://www.tomscott.com/stickers/
Audrey, you old tartar, you.
I say. Is that the Batboat, old bean?
If I lived in his potential constituency I'd vote for him.
Just remember folkies to prevent the crime, you must do the crime also. But run-away all quickly before you must do the time.....
as we all well know know one except yours truly ever wants to take her punishment, cause me likes the way that hot young dude spankers me. I am a wanker!
STATS: ONCE A WHORE ALWAYS A WHORE!
now ya know...........
nice post
well lil ole me of course exercised her right to piss off and fight with the POLICE! CAUSE THEY STINK! BUT ME GOT CAUGHT UP IN THE MALESTORM OF JAIL TERM HA AND OFF i WENT PPOF into the frozen forbidden large text world of whench I came. Tomorrow i will be chasing after actor owen Wilson!
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