This Red Nose Day, I'll be trying for the impossible - a whole 24 hours without swearing. Not a single swear will be uttered on the day of the Scaryduck Non-Swear-A-Thon, except for permitted use of the entirely family-friendly words "tugboat", "melon-farmer" and "forget you!".
I might be a good middle class boy, but go back just a couple of generations, and my gene pool is swarming with Northern Irish ship builders and Cockneys from Cockneyland. And, to be honest, I think the Dagenham side of my personality takes over far too often and gets me into all kinds of trouble.
One of my earliest memories is being sent to my room for saying "Bugger", a punishment that did no use at all, and soon I was swearingly fluent in five different languages, thanks to a book I found teaching me to swear in ...err... five different languages.
But now, I'm asking for your help in ending this blight on my life, all through the medium of cold, hard cash. As little as £2 could help save lives in Africa, while a tenner (and I'm really excited about this one) helps at-risk British kids from getting into trouble at school
Think of the kiddiewinks, must most of all, think of my suffering, you bunch of monkey lovers.