Monday, March 09, 2015

In which the Zombie Apocalypse is somehow portrayed as A Bad Thing

Another press release! ZOMBIE THREAT TO GNOME POPULATION, it screams, going on to say that the British garden gnome is facing total wipeout at the hands of an invasion of the undead.

Now, I've a problem with is - those curs at Genie Gadgets, whose press release this is - are labouring under the impression that a zombie threat to the UK garden gnome population is somehow A Bad Thing. They are - of course - thunderingly incorrect. If there is to be a plague of shuffling, moaning hordes that is lumbering across our grey and unpleasant land feasting on the brains of those pointy-hatted gits, then I - for one - welcome our new undead overlords.

Yes, our entire society could well be wiped out within a month, but with my trusty sharpened shovel and copy of the Zombie Survival Guide (Hint: Sharpened shovel), I think we can weather this one out if it means tasteless garden ornaments will be the first to go.

On the plus side, while imploring us to go to their website and spend money on zombie gnomes and other things you didn't know you actually need, Genie Gadgets also say that the likes of Noddy and Big Ears are also on the Zombie hit-list. Nothing against Noddy, but if they could turn their attention to world's-worst-mail-worker Postman Pat, then this will all be worthwhile. 

We'll leave the final word to our entirely tasteful garden Buddha who finds himself equally threatened by the undead invasion: "Come on you zombie bastards, I'll shit you up".

1 comment:

Mr Larrington said...

Zombies are crap anyway. They can't fly or become invisible, just stumble around the place moaning with their arms stuck out. To escape a zombie all you have to do is run.

Though this may be a problem if you're undergoing physioterrorism for Feet. Doubly so if your feet contain bits of Actual Dead Person (aka "zombie").