"And next on Channel Four - Footloose. Viewers are advised that this film contains scenes of violence""What? I can't remember there being any violence in Footloose."
"Ah, yes," I reply, "That's because it the director's cut. Feet are actually severed."
"Oh. Right. Turn it over, I don't think I actually want to see that."
"Then there's the director's cut of Dirty Dancing."
"OK, I'll take the bait. Which one is that, then?"
"They put back the 'Paddling pool filled with mud' scene with Susie Dent out of Countdown. Oh yes."
"You lie."
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