A spotter's guide to wedding discos

A late summer evening, hoping to spend some time in the garden, drunkenly throwing logs into the wood burner, eating cremated barbcue food and downing extraordinary quantities of French wine was spoiled somewhat by sounds of torture coming from the village hall down the road.

Somebody has hired the place of a wedding reception, and - alas - the wedding disco is of the Wally variety.You know the type: downmarket DJ who sings along to the records, for a downmarket clientele who do much the same. It was like a Banshees' convention. Unable to see the full horror, we dare say there was a smoke machine, three traffic lights in a box, and drunken aunts.

It is one of the ineffable laws the makes this world go round that wedding discos must contain a combination of elements which make them the Worst Thing In The World. Worse even than war, Thatcher and people who use Comic Sans.

- The only dancing allowed during the first hour of the wedding disco is one three-year-old guest, with their grandmother

- Hero by Enrique Inglesias MUST be played, preferrably as The Happy Couple's first dance. No "Angels" - that's for funerals (See also "You Raise Me Up")

- Oops Upside Your Head MUST be accompanied by that drunken rowing-boat dance that gives seven-year-old perverts the chance to see up the mini-skirts of the bride's workmates

- There MUST be a Motown/Grease Medley to keep the drunken aunts happy. This may coincide with the lowering of the volume by 25% to allow for the buffet

- When playing Sex on Fire by the Kings of Leon, the DJ MUST dip the sound during the chorus, so everybody in a three-mile radius can hear a caterwauled "WoooOooOoooah Your sex is on fire" sung by drunken bell-ends

- Fighting is only allowed during "Karma Chameleon"

- Songs by Madness may only be played if there is a male majority at the reception

- Nobody must admit to knowing the words to YMCA, but will sing them anyway

- The DJ MUST sing along to his favourite song, which is - by law - Reach by S Club 7

Now I understand how chainsaw massacres happen