Monday, December 21, 2015

Star Wars: The problem with the Imperial Empire (Spoiler Free)

Death Stars: Always the shit alternative
I've just been to see the new Star Wars film, and I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it yet when I say that the Imperial Empire (or whatever name it's going under now) pretty much continue where they left off - being run by a crowd of complete and utter shitwits.

That's why I feel sorry for your average stormtrooper, who have no say in the fact that they are - once again - heading off toward certain painful death just because Darth Whoever's-In-Charge-This-Week has got a twinge in his knee from The Dark Side that tells him to go an build another fucking Death Star.

And that's where the Empire falls over time and time again. The people at the top are maniacs with absolutely no idea how to run an enormous sprawling organisation with a limitless military-industrial complex that that turn its evil robot hand to all sorts of killing machine.

Finn: Double-ended [CENSORED]
 So, what do they do with this limitless military-industrial complex? They build another Doomsday Machine. And as we already know, Doomsday Machines always come with one fatal flaw that allows a man in a dressing gown to turn off the tractor beams; or a recently radicalised farmboy to fly a missile straight up your exhaust port; or the toilet cleaner to [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] with his double-ended [CENSORED].

I bet even Mr Stevens (head of Death Star catering) had the secret access codes to the shields and tractor beams so he could dispose of unwanted Penne Arabiatta without clogging up the Doomsday Machine's firing mechinism. Frankly, Imperial Empire management is a complete clusterfuck.

"Oh sweet Jesus, not another fucking Death Star"
Now, I for one am pretty sick of the Empire losing all the time, simply because the Emperor is huge on genocide rather than - say - consolidating his rule through well-organised military strength rather that this "Let us destroy the Rebel scum in a single blow" business, which - message for you - DOESN'T EVER WORK.

You've got (and I have to keep saying this) a limitless military-industrial complex. Build more star destroyers. Design an alternative to the TIE Fighter, which has now been in service for around 40 years despite the pilots not being able to see out the sides. And for the love of Yoda, organise some marksmanship classes - it's pitiful watching those wall-eyed morons trying to hit a target.

That's why I'm offering my services to the Empire to improve staff morale (no more wet trays in the canteen, lads!) and to - perhaps gift them a victory that could see them on the better things.

We're going to need a ways-of-working committee, focus groups, a 360-degree appraisal system, a large team of external consultants who seemingly do nothing but order pizza from the Domino's over the road, and no fucking Death Stars.

"I said no fucking Death Stars, and you got me a Death Star. How many of you do I have to kill?"
We'll up building capacity at the ship yards by a hundred fold, just by shifting the Death Star slave labour onto something that won't explode the minute try the 'ON' button.

Evil doesn't have to be grand gesture stuff. Look at Kim Jong-un. He says he's got an H-Bomb, when he still has biplanes. You can do the same, only with a limitless military-industrial complex that churns out Star Destroyers. Just stop being a dick all the time.

All I ask in return is the head of Jar Jar Binks, which will make a lot of future Imperial Empire citizens very, very happy.


Unknown said...

Is it ironic that the picture you've captioned "Oh sweet Jesus, not another fucking Death Star" actually comes from Ep III - Revenge of the Sith and is of Vader, Palpatine and Tarkin watching initial construction of the very first Death Star? Not being picky, you understand :)

Ole Phat Stu said...

They forgot to cast DeAnne Bray in the role of the Deaf Star ;-)

Tony said...

Have seen episode VII. It is clear you cannot trust the Skywalker side of the family. Use the dark side to wipe them out. All of them. Now. It's the only language scum like them understand.

Dioclese said...

Never been so disappointed with a film as with the first Star Wars. It was rubbish - and I'm a SciFi fan.

I see no reason why this latest instalment of this well over drawn out franchise should be any better. It's still shite.

TRT said...

The first order (ho ho ho) of business should be to take a leaf from the book of North Korea, The Sultana of Brunei and Oliver Cromwell and BAN the madness that is Christmas. It's got nothing to do with love and peace towards your fellow man anymore, and has everything to do with bagging the best bargains and stuffing both Turkey and your fellow man over. Full marks to Vladimir for getting in early with that one this year.
I had the idiocy of mental failure which saw me heading to Westfield (Shepherd's Bush) on the 23rd December in order to find suitable neckwear for my brother's wedding on the 26th. I saw the perfect item and made a beeline for it. Unfortunately it was the last one on the shelf and some totally evil git grabbed the box at exactly the same moment I did. A typical Yuletide tug-of-war ensued. Needless to say, they came off the worst of it. You shouldn't have tangled with a seasoned tie-tighter.

brian said...

The whole death star thing is George's idea of what an truly evil person would do which is silly. It's hard to subjugate people when you have blown them up, just drop shit on them until they come around much cheaper.