With all the gun-play that's been shattering the peace of Scary Towers, we completely forgot about this month's horror-scopes. Here we go then....
Aries: A trip to the zoo will open your mind to new horrors. Be sure to count your limbs before you leave.
Taurus: Your life will descend into a pointless imitation of the “Police Academy” movies. Especially the bit with the horse’s arse.
Gemini: Destiny foretells a meeting with flesh-eating zombies at a top-class restaurant. Best order the brains tartare.
Cancer: Your future holds the trappings of a rock’n’roll superstar lifestyle. Just the bit about the rank stupidity and the brain-rotting drugs, mind.
Leo: They say the “Death” card in tarot does not necessarily mean bad news. Not in your case, however.
Virgo: You will wake up in a Bombay Hotel room with a strange scar on your side and an inability to pass water.
Libra: Fortune finds you the key witness in a medical negligence case. Still, you can put those cross-dressing fantasies to good use.
Scorpio: You will find yourself sexually attractive to very ugly women. If you’re a girl, I’m really, really sorry about this - that’s what the stars say, and it’s more than my job’s worth to make this stuff up. Still, take a video camera with you - specialist market, you understand.
Sagittarius: The fame you have craved for all your life is just around the corner. Your night of passion with Mother Teresa of Calcutta, Princess Di, Anna Nicole Smith, and a selection of root vegetables will keep you on the front pages for months.
Capricorn: You’d have thought that nobody gets buggered to death by pirates these days, wouldn’t you? Funny old world.
Aquarius: You will be rescued from a band of gun-wielding penguin terrorists by a heavily-armed group of cockney rabbits working for the SAS. Do not be alarmed. This is perfectly normal.
Pisces: You will not get the fish that you want so desperately. You will find yourself forced into exile by a heavily-armed group of cockney rabbits working for the SAS, and you may resign yourself to a future as a novelty penguin-in-a-bowtie circus act.
If it’s your birthday: You are king of kings, saviour of the world, and you will be followed faithfully by billions. Easter, however, will be a bit of a bastard.