Friday, March 14, 2003


Two things you should know before we start:

* “The Fiver” is The Guardian’s daily off-the-wall football column
* “Um Bongo” is a soft drink sold under the tagline “Um Bongo Um Bongo, they drink it in the Congo”

Yesterday, the two collided in a terrible mess of sports flavoured fruit beverages all over my PC screen. I had to put them right on a few issues.

Dear The Fiver,
"Um Bongo, Um Bongo, they drink it in the Congo"
I'd just like to expose this statement from yesterday's Fiver as a blatant pack of lies. I worked in the Congo quite recently, and NOT ONCE did I encounter evidence of Um Bongo consumption. There was, however, no end to the nation's passion for Vimto. And I'm not making this up.
Yours pedantically,

Fletcher gets a new job

Still, whatever you say about The Grauniard, it’s nice to see them featuring our very own Fletcher in one of their banner ads. By the way, the Fletcher story is now complete. I'll show it to you in its full glory just as soon as I've tried it out on Scaryduck Jr.


Seeing that Captain Jean-Luc Picard is French, should the freedom-loving people of the oil-burning capitalist wolrd be pushing for a boycott of Star Trek: The Next Generation? Given half the chance, he’d have been the first to surrender to the Borg. Thank you and goodnight.


The new Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, is due to hit the shelves of your local bookstore in June. However, thanks to our spies' persistance, lies, blackmail and sheer good looks, we've been able to secure an exclusive extract to whet your appetites. And it's not just any old extract, oh no! It's the very nub of the book - what exactly is the Order of the Phoenix?

The waiter at the Wizard's Cauldron on Diagon Alley came over to the table, notepad at the ready. Harry made up his mind quickly and ordered the beef stew with dumplings, to be washed down with a flaggon of butterbeer. Hermione ordered a salad, while Ron couldn't decide between the cheeseburger and pasta, so asked for both. The waiter turned to the fourth guest at the table.

"And what would sir like for his main course?" he asked.

"Steak," said the Phoenix, a small flame licking round the top of his head, "and don't skimp on the chips."

"Very good sir," replied the waiter as if he saw this kind of thing all the time, "and how would sir like his steak cooked?"

The Phoenix paused for a second, weighing up his options. His eyes lit up, and a smile came to his face. "Very very very very very well done."

The waiter thanked them all, and clutching his precious notepad, retreated to the kitchen with the Order of the Phoenix.

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