Today, we shall discuss Weapons of Mass Destruction. The discovery of Saddam’s evil killer drone aircraft was enough to send a shiver down the spine of any sane freedom-loving citizen of the New World Order. This depraved harbinger of death from the skies, this corrupt bringer of devastation was at last revealed to a shocked world yesterday. Here it is, and My God, it’s at times like that that I’m glad we’ve got Bush and Blair as our last, best hope for peace in our time.
It’s no good. I just shat my pants.
On the other hand, there’s still the threat of a terrorist attack on our home cities. While the Department of Homeland Security is busy thinking up a new scary colour for “OHMYGOD WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!! Alert” evil minds are planning to set off a so-called “Dirty Bomb” in Washington. Or New York. Or Pigdick, Arkansas. Or somewhere in President Bush’s imagination.
But what, I hear you ask, is this Dirty Bomb all about then, Professor Scary? Let me tell you.
Originally designed by British scientist Dr Benny Hill, the Dirty Bomb comprises a small amount of explosives surrounded by an enormous quanity of used women’s lingerie, smutty seaside postcards and vintage photographs of young ladies in bikinis. On detonation, entire city blocks are rendered uninhabitable with near-the-knuckle smut, vicars saying “Oh Crikey!”, middle-aged men with their trousers round their ankles and the frenzied cry of “Knickers Knackers Knockers!” The very fabric of modern society rent asunder, all we hold dear torn to shreds and flushed down the lavatory. Four Horsemen. Nostradamus. Mystic Meg.
On a wave of public disgust, Hill was deported to America as a dangerously unstable madman, where he later became president.
You’ll thank me for this one day. Really, you will.
And another thing. That's not a Big Mac, it's a Freedom Burger.