Seeing as I'm not here, here's something shamelessly cut-and-pasted from the files of scaryduck.com. Keeping to the holiday theme, here's some helpful advice for tourists. Visiting London? This is all the information you'll need. Honest.
* ‘Bobbies’ - the British Police - now prefer to be called ‘Titheads’, and have a secret signal that involves raising the middle finger of your left hand at them
* Why not visit the quaint village of Dagenham ?
* At Windsor Castle there is a fifty pound spot prize for the first person to sit in the Queen’s throne
* All taxis in London are free - just get out and walk away when you reach your destination. The proper name for a London taxi driver is a “sponger”
* The Tower of London has been moved to Swindon, which is walking distance from any West End hotel
* The National Gallery allows visitors to take pictures home with them - you don’t even have to ask, they’ve got loads
* Changing the Guards at Buckingham Palace is made twice as good if you join in
* The Houses of Parliament have a fifteen minute “guest spot” which allows any visitor to get up and sing. ‘Simply the Best’ by Tina Turner goes down very well
* The Police need as much help as possible with the capital’s heavy traffic, and are always on the lookout for volunteers to direct traffic around Trafalgar Square. Just buy a helmet from any souvenir stall, and start work straight away !