Monday, March 24, 2003

"That'll learn them"

Apologies for the break in transmission.At some stage late last week I was struck down by another dose of bad karma, an audible clunk as my hard drive decided it would rather kill itself than be used by me. I am now without computer while those very nice people at Packard Bell curse the three year guarantee and send me a new one. But have I been sitting on my arse twiddling my thumbs, waiting for the world to end? Oh no! I've been sitting on my arse, twiddling my thumbs watching wall-to-wall death and destruction posing as prime-time entertainment on television. Then I switched Ant and Dec off and went and watched the news.

Having spent the last few days watching events unfold in the Gulf, frustrated at the lack of action that I can take from the comfort of my own home, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. Being rather sceptical at the official version of how the war's been going, I'm certain that the massive technological and military domination the allies have over Iraq is simply not enough. They need more. Loads more. With big knobs one. So, me and Scaryduck Jr have been doing our bit for the war effort. We sat down over the weekend and decided that what we need is a totally futile gesture that will show the rest of the world for once and for all who the hell is in charge here.

Scary Jr came up with the Pie Bomber. A giant B-52 sized aircraft in the shape of a giant pie, to drop pies onto the bunkers of Baghdad and show them that, in the heat of war, British baking skills are not being neglected. It's an incredible bit of work, and I've parcelled up our top secret plans and sent them to the Ministry of Defence who will no doubt see me as the next Barnes Wallace and get British Aerospace onto it with all due haste. When this one's all over (some time next year, I should imagine) and it's time for the North Koreans to be shown a thing or three, all they've got to do is change the pie fillings from Sheeps' Eyes and Hummus to Dog. Boosh! A weapon that can be used in any theatre of war, and a tasty snack to boot.

We're also working on something that can be used when it's time to call the French Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys to account. It's a B-52 bomber in the shape of an enormous bar of soap. That'll learn them.

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