OK, I'll admit it, I posted this a couple of months ago as a quick something I tossed off one afternoon. After a quick write-through inspired by the theft of Potter Book Five from the publishers, I've been leaving this lying around where gullible fans might find it. As a matter of fact, I was rumbled on one Harry Potter forum by some squirt who pointed out some subtle grammatical inconsistensies between mine and JK Rowling's work, before telling me to "Get a Life". He had a picture of Ron Weasley as his avatar, and failed to notice that my user name was "Patrick Bateman". Cut. Paste. Send to people. You know it makes sense. That is all.
The new Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, is due to hit the shelves of your local bookstore in June. However, thanks to the persistance of our spies, lies, blackmail and sheer good looks, we've been able to secure an exclusive extract to whet your appetites. And it's not just any old extract, oh no! It's the very nub of the book - what exactly is the Order of the Phoenix?
Harry Potter Book Five - EXCLUSIVE EXTRACT!!! OMG!!!1 LOL!!!111 ROTFL!!!11
The waiter at the Wizard's Cauldron on Diagon Alley came over to the table by the fireplace, notepad at the ready. Harry made up his mind quickly and ordered the beef stew with dumplings, washed down with a flaggon of butterbeer. Hermione, sensible as always, ordered a salad. Ron mumbled to himself for what seemed like several minutes, lost in the endless menu that promised delights that a mere muggle just wouldn’t be able to comprehend. While his companions sat patiently, he couldn't decide between the cheeseburger and pasta, and eventually asked for both. Satisfied, the waiter turned to the fourth guest at the table.
"And what would sir like for his main course?" he asked.
"Steak," said the Phoenix, a small flame licking round the top of his head, "and don't skimp on the chips."
"Very good sir," replied the waiter in a tone that suggested mythical beasts came to his restaurant all the time, "and how would sir like his steak prepared?"
The Phoenix paused for a second, weighing the options. His eyes lit up, and a smile came to his face. "Very very very very very well done."
The waiter thanked them all, and clutching his precious notepad, retreated to the kitchen with the Order of the Phoenix.
Shamelessly nicked from Popbitch today:
Best news I heard all weekend - Man Utd are in the hunt for promising US Major League keeper Tim Howard from New York Metrostars. Nothing that exciting there you may think, but Tim suffers from severe Tourettes. At last a real use for Playercam.
I phoned the Tourette's Syndrome Association for a quote. They told me to fuck off.
From Tony Q: Manchester City Football Club are asking for people to vote on a new name for the West Stand at their new ground. Go here and vote for Colin Bell so that it`ll always be known as 'The Bell End.'