“Running in the Family”

My daughter Scaryduckling (aged eight) was off school for the whole of last week with the same nasty flu/virus/lurgi thing that I was struck down with. She tells me that when she went back on Monday, she found that one of the kids in her class had gone round telling everybody else that she’d moved to another school; while another put the story round that we were off on a holiday in Florida, and that relatively expensive gifts would be forthcoming on her return. So, the first things she heard on Monday morning were “Where’s my present?” and “What are you doing back here?”

Why the long face?

Why didn’t I ever think of doing that when I was at school? These kids are comedy genius in action. I just tell my pair that they’re adopted and we reserve the right to send them back to the Childrens Home at any time. They firmly believe that the movie Stuart Little is a documentary, and every car journey is a trip into the unknown. Keeps ‘em on their toes. Bad Parenting is the new black, y'know.

(Note to Dorset County Social Services: Some of the above may not be 100% true.)

“Mail from the chief”

My Fellow Americans.

These are dark days for our country. Never before have we faced such a threat from the forces of anti-Americanism who seek to put an end to our freedom-loving way of life.The people, and I use that phrase with great caution, would rather we live in a totalitarian regime, where dissent is frowned up, where children are hauled out of their classrooms by the Secret Service for showing dissent and people are blacklisted for daring to use the Freedom of Speech we take for granted.

We, as Americans will never let that happen, and we will use our armed might to crush any third world nation that dares say otherwise, whether we’ve sold them weapons in the past or not.

As your President, I have made it our role to rid the world of dangerous Weapons of Mass Destruction, and to this end, I have launched, on the back of massive tax cuts, a multi-billion dollar programme to build more nuclear warheads above and beyond the sixteen thousand we already possess. We take this huge risk, my fellow loyal Americans, not to pump money into an already bloated military-industrial complex, but to rid the rest of the world of nuclear weapons by cornering the market ourselves. It is a risk that is well worth taking, and one reflected by the many shareholders of Lockheed Martin, Boeing and other all-American industries.

Homeland security is our number one priority. We must safeguard your American way of life, where you can drive to your local mall and spend your tax refund on duct tape and plastic sheeting without the threat of Johnny Foreigner blowing you to tiny pieces with some fiendish yet unspecified weapon that may only exist in my imagination.

To this end, we are declaring war on Vanuatu forthwith. It will be a long, bloody conflict (for them, not for us), and I’m sure we’ll find some incriminating evidence several months after the shooting has finished, and just in time for my re-election. Those devious bastards deserve everything that’s coming to them.

As patriotic Americans, you will display every confidence with my new appointments of the Director of the CIA and the Head of the Department of Homeland Security, and I wish Sam R Binladen and Saddam Eagleburger III every success in keeping us free from the enemies of the state. Whoever they are.

Love,

George.

"Rad, dude"

Tony Hawk is a skateboarder and teen icon of some repute. Tony Hawks, on the other hand, is a comedian and writer who once hitch-hiked around Ireland with a fridge by way of a drunken bet. He also has to field semi-literate e-mails from skate fans desperate to find out how to "ollie", whatever that is. I bet you any money Tony Hawk doesn't get e-mail asking when the next Morris Minor and the Majors single is coming out.

Q: dear tony hawks can you tell me some tips on skate boarding.

A: Yes. Try not to fall off.

"Mammon"

I reserve the right to pimp the Scaryduck Shop at any time. New stock coming up, just as soon as I can get that bastard penguin to stand still long enough to have his picture taken in various compromising positions.

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