People keep telling me that I’m going to hell, and frankly, I believe them. But rather than look at the effect and point you towards that “Which Circle of Hell Will You End Up In?” quiz (Woo! Fifth!), I thought I’d look at the root cause and find out where I’ve gone wrong.
I. Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me : Yay me! One out of one, even though it’s been over a year since I saw the inside of a church. I’m one of millions who “Go to the church inside my head”. Translation: “Look, it’s Sunday morning, I got pissed last night, and there’s no way I’m going to get up early, sit on a cold bench and curse my piles while a bloke in a dress lectures me on morality. Jesus and me, we’ve got an understanding.”
II. Thou Shalt Not Take The Name Of The Lord In Vain Ah. All the good work of the First Commandment flushed down the toilet with a whole webpage of dodgy gags about the Pope.
Vatican officials have finally attributed a bona fide miracle to the late Mother Teresa of Calcutta, paving the way for the Nobel Prize-winning nun’s sainthood. It is understood that Teresa actually managed to cancel her AOL account at the first attempt, and never once received an “Increease You’re Penis Size” e-mail. A miracle indeed.
And a Frost/Arden special:
"How's that girlfriend of yours?"
"We split up."
"She didn't like this joke I made about the Pope."
"You idiot, you know she's a Catholic."
"Yeah, but I didn't know the Pope was."
III. Remember The Sabbath Day, To Keep It Holy: Hey, don’t look at me, blame a secular society, B&Q opening hours and Sky Sports. And watching West Ham getting relegated counts as a deeply religious experience.
IV. Honor Thy Father And Thy Mother: Hi Dad. RIP Mum. That is all.
V. Thou shalt not kill. : No problem there. I only kill kittens.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery: I’m with God on this one. I’ve had first hand experience of the Sixth Commandment, and to be perfectly honest, it’s not worth the aggro. Princess Di may have saved my nads back in 1997, but she failed miserably three years later. Repent ye!
First Class ticket to Hell. Change at Basingstoke
VII. Thou shalt not steal: I have a 35p packet of rub-down letters on my conscience from 1984. Excuse: penniless student desperately trying to jazz up a lack-lustre project folder. WH Smiths, however, are still in business despite my career as a master criminal.
VIII. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. : OK, so I let Matty next door take the rap for setting fire to the school hedge. That wasn’t strictly false witness, I just hid for three days until the heat was off.
IX. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox. : I’ve never lived next door to any oxen, which is perhaps no bad thing. However, before I moved, the woman next door did closely resemble a moose, and a really ugly one at that with the same amount of facial hair. And antlers. There was not even a hint of coveting.
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife. : “I refer the honourable gentleman to the answer that I gave previously.” Enough time has passed since I moved house to ask the question: “How the hell did you manage to have TWO kids?” My current neighbour is, apparantly, a retired Town Crier. The only thing I covet is a decent night’s kip.
So, let’s see the scores on the doors: Good: Five. Bad: Four: Undecided: One. Still, what’s heaven? Wandering around in a nightshirt singing hymns and watering pot-plants. At least it’s warm in hell, even if I’m going to hate Fridays.
Soon: The Seven Deadly Sins. They might want to make a movie out of that.