Friday, July 04, 2003

“Scaryduck’s ‘Did You Know...?’ No. 363”

In order to prevent bubblewrap from getting damaged in en route from factory to customer, it is carefully wrapped in bubblewrap.

“Bad Movie Review: Star Wars Episodes I and II”

The writing was on the wall in “Return of the Jedi”. Epdisodes Four and Five are quite rrightly regarded as two of the finest science-fiction movies ever made. So how could it go so horribly wrong? One word: Ewoks. The Ewoks were cute fluffy little critters that helped Luke, Leia and the gang defeat the nasty old Empire and save the galaxy from tyranny, or something. Did I say cute? Sorry, I meant “shit”.

Something must have clicked in George Lucas’ head. After a sixteen year wait, in which many a Star Wars fan wondered if they were ever going to see the rest of the series, Star Wars I hit the screens, a prequel which would show the roots of the evil Darth Vader. Right from the off, the writing was on the wall. The title: “The Phantom Menace”, sounded more like a cheapo cartoon character than a ground-breaking sci-fi epic. Then we saw it. Only three words: Jar Jar Binks. To which I have one reply: Fuck Off.

Visually, the film was stunning. No expense was spapred on the computer generated scenery, the special effects and the pod race and battles were second to none. In that sense, Lucas still had it. Where he fell flat on his face was his determination to take on the whole movie himself, and face it George, you’re no screenwriter. Between the set-pieces, the action dragged at a snail’s pace, and the dialogue was turgid and frankly embarassing.

Things could only get better for the second film, right? Wrong. Once again, visually stunning, with top-notch effects and battle scenes. But it was clear that all the money had been spent on making the film look good, and the talent had been replaced by cardboard cut-outs. The romance between Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen must surely be one of the most squirmingly awful ever committed to film. How could they say that dialogue and mean it? How could I sit through that guff? I remember now, I didn't. Total, utter shit, and it still had Jar Jar in it. Lucas still has one more chance to fleece the punters with Star Wars III. It had better be good, or we are legally obliged to burn him at the stake. With his fucking Ewoks.

The Alan Smithee Memorial Bad Movie Poll. Vote-o! Now-o!

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