Saturday, July 26, 2003

“Scaryduck’s ‘Did You Know...?’ No. 447”

The German version of the World’s favourite quiz show is called “Ve Have Vays of Making You a Millionaire”.

“Crap Movies Redux”

Now look what’s happened. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, the duck comes back with even more trashy celluloid. Thanks to the whole crap movie vote wossname, I am now actively looking for bad films. And they’re out there. Thousands of them, put together for for the sole reason of keeping unemployable idiots off the streets, backed by studios with more money than sense.

To aid my search, I’ve discovered help from a most unlikely source - the BBC’s Radio Times. With so many movie channels, and more films than you can shake a shitty stick at, they’ve employed people whose only purpose in life is to watch and review - in less than twenty-five words - every single film that appears somewhere on British television on any given day. I pity them. They have, however, got the short, pithy review down to a fine art; and for the films which score one star out of five, you can almost hear the cries of “I want my life back!” coming from the page. Strange that most of these movies are on Mr Murdoch’s Sky Movies Max channel, the TV station for the easily amused.

Cubbyhouse: "Horror about a possessed shed".

D-Tox: “This thriller is one of the worst films Sylvester Stallone has made. And that’s saying something.”

Death Train: “Action thriller that comes off the rails early on, and stays there.”

Highlander: Endgame - "Utterly stupid fourth installment in the series about the swordsman who is immortal and therefore unfortunately available for further sequels".

And yay:

Freddie Got Fingered: “Excruciatingly bad comedy that plumbs new depths.”

You can almost hear the screams for mercy in the Highlander review. My pain is your pain, oh humble reviewer. These people - your fellow human beings - need our help. Your gift of love can make a difference. On the other hand, they knew what they were getting into when they took the gig. Compassion? Me?

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