NOVEMBER - Welcome to another edition of Doom, Death, Destruction and Horror. And later we’ll be talking to someone who does gardening.
Aries: Acting you your fantasies will certainly attract the attention you want this month. However, your appearance on Crimewatch as the Masked Gimp Bandit won’t be doing you any favours.
Lucky Breakfast TV related website: gm.tv
Taurus: Making fun plans with pals makes you feel as though you're not alone, after all. But you are. Sadly and desperately alone. Just you, a shotgun and the last cartridge in the box. Do us all a favour, why don’tcha?
Lucky cyclist: Pedro Delgado
Gemini: You could be handed duties that will uplift and inspire you, which comes as a relief. Whichever way your boss puts it though, please bear in mind that masturbating goats for financial gain is still illegal.
Lucky sugar substitute: Sweet ‘n’ Low
Cancer: Did you realise that the astrological symbol for cancer looks like two people having a sixty-nine? Not that you’re ever going to be having sexual relations in the near future. If ever. It’s Ebola. Again.
Lucky goth band: Bauhaus
Leo: A persistent memory could cause you to make changes to your personal life. Perhaps you see yourself falling into the same pattern as your parents. Your father did time for dressing up donkeys in womens’ clothing as well, you know.
Lucky Masters of the Universe/Spice Girls Crossover: Skeletor
Virgo: Prove to the world that you're serious about making a dream come true. Meet you outside the White House with fifteen kilos of enriched Plutonium and a Monster Kong Dildo on Monday, then. Bring a bottle.
Lucky hat: Fez
Libra: Now’s the time to approach your boss and demand the raise that you deserve! Carboard City’s great at this time of year, and let’s face it, you deserve a break from flying that desk. Line on the left, one box each.
Lucky top shelf publication: Forty and Naughty
Scorpio: You've no idea what “dogging” is, but you’re the kind of person who’d trying anything once, twice, three times! Try telling that to the judge though. And Mr Big in the showers.
Lucky supermarket: Tesco
Sagittarius: Working in the privacy of your own home allows you to develop and perfect your skills. However, like juggling, masturbation is best not performed in public unless you’re very, very good at it and you have the requisite licences from the council. You’d better get down the Town Hall now and get your application in. Better safe than sorry.
Lucky cow: Catherine Zeta-Jones
Capricorn: Now is the time to lose all that weight you’ve been promising yourself. You’ll be surprised how much a limb weighs, and how quickly you can adjust your life around the ability to hop. And you can steal shoes from the rack outside the shop.
Lucky cow’s father-in-law: Kirk Douglas
Aquarius: The great news is that your boss thinks you’re fantastic. He loves having someone round the place who makes him look (and smell) good. As a matter of fact, all your colleagues refer to you as “Monkey Breath”, even that cute one you’ve been clumsily flirting with for the last three months. You know what to do. In America, it’s termed “Going Postal”, but don’t feel that it’s a bad thing.
Lucky pointless sport: Water Polo
Pisces: At last you’ve found people who think the same way that you do, share your outlook on the world. Just a shame you had to dig up Rod Hull and Benny Hill to do it. Still, while you’re here: Gottle of geer, gottle of geer.
Lucky something: Look, I’ve been sitting up half the night writing this trash. You’re not having a lucky anything this month. Face it, you’re cursed.
If it’s your birthday: Born in November, you are obviously the result of a parental Valentine’s Day bunk-up. How cheap can you get? And I bet he didn’t even bother with chocolates.
A quick message for those of you who have purchased Scaryduck mugs. Only two weeks later than promised, I have them in my sweaty little hands. And damn good they are too. Expect yours this week, post strike depending.