In order to improve the dental health of the nation, the British government is to add flouride to all beers, wines and spirits served in British pubs from July 1st 2005. Children will not be forgotten in this ground-breaking piece of legislation - all alcopops and three litre bottles of extra strong cider sold in supermarkets and off-licences will come with added fluoride too, along with a cheery message reminding the kiddies to brush their teeth before bedtime.
Never one to laugh at the misfortunes of others, it is upsetting, nay distressing to read that Leeds United Football Club may be forced into administration with debts totalling eighty-one million pounds. Now, if only they’d watched daytime television instead of going round starting fights outside bars and getting mixed up with the wrong crowd, and they might have seen those heart-rending adverts featuring Carol Vorderman urging you to sell your mortal soul for a bank loan. According to the lovely and not-in-it-for-the-money-at-all Carol, for just one gentle repayment, they can consolidate their debts and regain the lifestyle to which they’ve become accustomed, with perhaps a little left over for that new car or a holiday.
Not only that, every applicant gets a handy digital alarm clock and an attractive pen set, which will go straight into the squad for the fixture against Charlton Athletic this weekend.