My kids had seventies rock’n’roll icon Alvin Stardust visit their school this week, lecturing on the influence of "Doo-Wop" music during the Malayan Emergency*. I thought he was dead, but how wrong I was! It appears that following an unfortunate spacehopper accident in 1985, he was revived by the Juju Man of Stockwell in an arcane ceremony involving a short stick, June Whitfield's lingerie drawer and three drops of Ronald McDonald's blood**. Fact fans will be amazed to learn that Alvin Stardust isn’t his real name. He changed it just before he became famous and had his digeridoo turned inside out. Born Ethel Stardust in a convent in what is now Harare, Zimbabwe***. FACT.
Readers will be delighted to know that despite his hideous and terrifying premature burial ordeal, Mr Stardust is now perfectly healthy.
* One of these facts may not, in fact, be true.
** This one probably isn’t either.