“Horror-Scopes”

Your stars for the coming month featuring guest astrologer Mystic Lt Col Winston St John Cholmondeley-Cholmondeley Patel (Mrs), official soothsayer to the 3rd Queen's Foot and Mouth "during that nasty business in Malaya". So he tells us.

DECEMBER - I don’t believe in this guff as a rule, but I owe the editor chappie a favour after that unfortunate business with the rubber tubing. So, break out the dice, the tarot cards and the crystal ball, and let’s see what Madame Fate has in store for us, what?

Aries: The mists are clearing. I knew I shouldn’t have had that seventeenth brandy last night. Isee a family gathering. I see a tree. Gifts. A large meal. I see you starving and derelict under a railway arch. Life’s a sod, what?
Lucky rugby player: Sir Jonny Wilkinson

Taurus: Taurus! I remember when I was in Spain, training as a matador with Pinky Newman. He turned to me, just seconds after being fatlaly gored by that fearful old bull El Grande Bastardo and said to me, “Winston old chap, sod this for a laugh.” Anyway I mentioned this little episode at the Harpo Club to his brother Doris just the other day, and.... continued on page 94....
Lucky bum cleft: Kylie

Gemini: Gemini? They’re twins aren’t they? I remember two fantastic twins, Lucy and Elizabeth Hilbert-Smythe. A rum pair they were, always up for japes, and fine horsewomen to boot. Had them both at the Hunter’s Ball just before that Suez business. Got six months for that I remember, and both have walked with a limp since. Lovely girls, lovely.
Lucky cock: Bantam

Cancer: December! The month of gifts! And you can thank a loved one for that special gift you’ll receive this year. Ebola. Again.
Lucky Transylvanian: Michael Howard

Leo: Lions! I remember when I was stationed in Kenya, keeping our Commonwealth bretheren in line. Came face to face with the biggest lion you ever saw. Gave the brute both barrels before I realised it was the local chieftan in his tribal head-dress. What ho, the ensuing battle nearly lost us the entire Horn. In my day we would have tied them across the mouths of cannons, and that taught them to mess with the Empire. Look out for escaped lions, what?
Lucky London Borough: Kensington and Chelsea

Virgo: What’s a virgin, eh? I’ve never met one. Apart from my lovely wife Algernon, pure as the driven snow, and as far as I know she still is. And from what I can see in the stars, you can experience a similar situation this month, and for the rest of your life. Tough luck, old bean.
Lucky dead author: Roald Dahl

Libra: Now old chap, I dealt out the tarot cards, and unlucky for you, your card is “Death”. Now, according to the bumph, the Death card need not necessarily mean you dying and all that unpleasantness. But let’s face it, you’re doomed, eh?
Lucky dead author’s relative who I’d like to see deshabille: Sophie Dahl

Scorpio: The ancient Chinese craft of I Ching sees a conviction for looking up womens’ skirts on the escalator at your local shopping centre. The words “Big Dave’s Bitch” will play a part in your near future, whatever that means. Still, Happy Christmas, eh what?
Lucky Beatle with a monoped wife: Paul

Sagittarius: Christmas! The time of goodwill to all men! However, I can’t get images of Sagittarians getting buggered to death by Russian sailors out of my head. Nothing to do with horoscopes, I’m just remembering the last moments of my old housemaster Binky Freeman. Smashing chap, split arse to tit.
Lucky bastard who got free rugby tickets: Prince Harry

Capricorn: Heads or tails? Heads says Happy Christmas and a Properous New year to all Capricorns. Tails gives you never-ending torture at the talons of intestine-eating creatures from the depths of the Barents Sea. Ah. Tails it is. Tough luck old bean.
Lucky religion: Jehovah’s Witnesses

Aquarius: The water bearer eh? That reminds be of the time in the Raj when I couldn’t pass water for three months. Blown up like a great balloon I was, what? The regimental Medical Officer, Shaky Patterson managed to stay off the old gut-rot long enough to insert an old wire coathanger up my old man and get a nest of scorpions out. And the relevance for your coming month? Don’t ask, chum.
Lucky soap transsexual: Hayley Cropper

Pisces: During my all-too-brief spell as governor of a small island in the Caribbean, Squiffy Henderson and I found it interesting to witness our Commonwealth bretheren’s idea of local justice, involving the insertion of the island’s daily fish catch where the tropical sun doesn’t shine. Believe me, and you’ll find out soon enough, it doesn’t hurt as much as you think. After the fifth or sixth time, it is, in fact rather enjoyable.
Lucky lubricant: Utterly Butterly

If it’s your birthday: Born on this day in history - Sir Isaac Newton (1642), Anwar Sadat (1918), Humprey Bogart (1899), Jesus of Nazareth, Son of God (0)

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