Once again, our resident agony aunt answers your questions on those embarrassing personal problems that can only be solved by having them published in the national press:
Dear Auntie Scary,
I have a problem and I'm hoping you can help. When in the WC having just expunged a number two and noticing that there are only a few sheets of toilet roll left on the roll - do I a) try and pace the wiping so that I finish exactly on the final sheet and risk walking around with a dirty bottom or b) wipe normally and actually make the effort to put a new roll on the holder, fully aware that I'll then have to go to the trouble of putting the finished roll in the bin.
I hope you can help. I'm having kittens here!
loads of love, I'm a big fan and I've got every album you've ever made.
Senior Executive Pot Collector
The Ape and Cheddar pub, Falmouth
Dear Grahame (or to avoid embarrassment, may I use a made-up name, such as Rich Wild from Funjunkie?)
As a member of the licensed trades, you know it is your duty not only to use the last sheet on the roll, but to rip up the little cardboard tube and use that as some kind of ersatz poop shovel to finish the job properly. On no account should you replace the roll, especially if your pub is one of those with no roof on the toilet.
And just a quick word about personal hygiene in case your public house is one of those modern establishments that serves food. Don't what do you think that brown stuff is in a Ploughman's Lunch? Chutney? Alternatively, just do as I do, and employ a Thai Ladyboy to do your wiping for you.
Yours smelling peachy clean,
Meanwhile, over on Robber Rabbit, former Blue Peter presenter and object of teen lust Janet Ellis talks to us exclusively on whopping her norks out in public. A must-read indictment of our celebrity-obsessed society in the face of mounting media instrusion, or and excuse to use the word "norks" in public? Go on, guess.