You know what it's like sitting in a doctors' waiting room. You're on time, but the quack's only just got off the golf course, and Dot Cotton's been in there showing the poor bugger her haemarroids for the last half an hour. It's either "Diagnosis Murder" on a badly tuned television (not the best choice of programme, now you come to mention it), or a grotty pile of magazines on a table in the corner.
Beneath all the People's Friends and Reader's Digests, I came across a copy of the RSPB magazine that was LESS THAN A YEAR OLD. A real find, and I spirited it back to my seat muttering "Precious! I have the precious!" under the hateful gaze of my fellow patients.
Apart from the many and varied pictures of ducks and other waterfowl, one thing struck me about this publication. Bill bloody Oddie. The man is everywhere, like a rash. Every single advert, there he was "As recommended by TV birdwatcher Bill Oddie" and "The man who sung 'Funky Gibbon' has one of the rain capes. Buy. Buy! BUY!!!" He's got the entire ornithology endorsements industry tied uup, I suspect through a campaign of intimidation and feathery death on rapid wings.
But fear not, celebrity readers! There are other industries out there just screaming out for celebrity endorsements, and you can earn £ £ £! and raise your profile into the bargain. Imagine, if you will, that masturbation became socially acceptable and a plethora of glossy magazines appear on the lower shelves of newagents promoting the practice. Some people say that this has already happened, but there will be an immediate call for the hard-working celebrities of this proud nation to endorse the wanking products they contain:
"This is the best scud I've seen in ages - my bell-end exploded with delight" - Ben Elton
"Zanussi make the best washing machines in the business - the fast spin really rocks my world" - Ann Widdecombe
Even if the onanists of this world wrap up that particular market, there's still plenty of other products just screaming out for celebrity endorsement:
"Co-op funerals are fantastic. I wouldn't be seen dead anywhere else." - Bob Monkhouse
"Ridico No-Leak colostomy bags really make my day. Who needs an arse with Ridico?" - Sir Cliff Richard
"Sabutex morphine sulphate is the dog's bollocks. It's never let me down." - Dr Harold Shipman
"Porn-Away is the best hard drive clean-up tool on the market. I wish I had the brains to buy it" - Gary Glitter
"Scaryduck is the sexiest man in the world, and we're going to have a naked cat-fight for the first go on him." - Sarah Beeny, Kirstie Allsopp and Konnie Huq
Advance Warning: This week's Scary Story Vote-o will take place on Wednesday. The story itself will appear on Friday as usual. It's complicated...