Tuesday, May 11, 2004

100 per cent SCIENCE!

Time travel is a great concept, and I would quite naturally be the first to use it for my own evil ends, such as having a go on famous historical totty, convincing Napoleon that "Moscow's great this time of year", telling Leonardo "what that picture really needs is a huge cheese-eating grin", and of course, borrowing a copy of the 2025 Sports Almanac from my incredibly rich future self.

Shame then, that it's never going to happen. If it were possible, where are all the future types using the technology for their own evil ends, having a go on Liz Hurley, clutching suspiciously accurate pools coupons? Where are the mad scientists travelling back in time so they can be the first to invent the flux capacitor - the key to time travel as ane fule kno; and the power-crazed loonies arming Joan of Arc with battlefield nukes? Still stuck in the future, that's where.

This is mainly becuase that if time travel was feasible, which it isn't, there's one huge bugger holding them back. Everything moves. Travel back a couple of days with the lottery numbers and you'll see what I mean, or rather, you won't. On account of you being dead and all that.

You see, the planet moves. The solar system moves. As does the galaxy we live in. And for all we know, the universe is bouncing around creation jostling for space in a sea of the buggers. Now, you try buzzing about in a converted De Lorean or a clapped out phone box and try to arrive in the same place you departed. Chances are you'll be chewing vacuum or battling with pink robots from the Planet Koozbain. You'd be a fool to try it, and if you ask me, your money would be far better spent doing something useful to the future of humanity, such as pushing back the boundaries of pornography.

Noth that I'm trying to put you off in a piss-poor attempt to corner the market in temporal totty-humping or anything. But send me a tenner and I'll send you the winner of next Tuesday's 3.30 at Kempton Park. Honest.


Still time to vote in the Scaryduck Movie Quotes Poll, which closes tonight.

"How much for the whole country?"

America is now fully corporatised. That anyone can become president is a myth - you've got to be seriously rich even to consider running for office, and elevation to the number one job requires more corporate backing than a Formula One racing team. With the same ethics too.

Naturally, Britain follows everything the Americans do with some gusto, and the corporate agenda has been creeping in for some years now. What were the miners' strike and the denationalising of the railways if not Thatcherite pandering to the oil, transport and banking industries?

Now, under a Labour government the transition is complete. The Prime Minister no longer holds legitimate power now that he has caved in to one man. Not some Eurocrat as The Sun and The Times would have us believe, but their owner, Rupert Murdoch.

Blair's caving in to Murdoch over the EU referendum effectively ends rule from Westminster, for his government at least, handing power over to Wapping. With Blair's popularity on a knife-edge with an election less than two years away, Murdoch finds himself kingmaker, and can effectively demand or veto legislation with threats to withdraw The Sun's support of the party.

"It's The Sun what won it", crowed the paper in 1993, and there's no doubt that Murdoch's patronage was instrumental in 1997 and 2001. And he certainly has Labour by the balls next time around.

Welcome to the 53rd State.

Scaryduck’s ‘Did You Know...?’ No. 330

Britain's most popular brand of washing-up bowls, brushes and kitchen bins go under the name 'Addis' because they are made in Addis Ababa, and form Ethiopia's main export. The recent conflict with Eritrea almost brought the Ethiopian kitchen supplies industry to its knees, leaving the door-to-door Kleen-Eze corporation - a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Sudanese Ministry of Works - with a virtual monopoly.

No wonder the world's in such a mess.

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