Tuesday, May 25, 2004


Today I am going on a course. For three days. I fear that it may turn out to be one of these wanky "Find your true inner self" things, in which I may be forced to be nice to people. There are already rumours of group hugs, slogans, primal screaming and wanton use of flip charts, just before the Two Minutes' Hate.

I shall be ready for them.

"Tell us something that's important in your life."
"Transvestisism. Manhole covers."

"Who are your heroes?"
"Daniel O'Donnell, Atilla the Hun, St Winifrid's School Choir."

"What's your customer-care philosophy?"
"I'm a strong believer in a customer-orientated, outward-facing confrontationalist theory, inspired by Joe Dolce's 'Shaddap you Face'."

"Group Hug?"
"Touch me and I'll rip your arms off."

"How about a Primal Scream then? Go on - let all that anger out."
*sighs* "OK then, if you insist" *deep, deep breath* "You're all a bunch of FUCKING CUNTS!"

Anyone got a job going? Will swear for money.

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