Last year's KMJitB Day was a roaring success
Today: International Kick Mick Jagger in the Bollocks Day. If you see the rubber-lipped Rolling Stones frontman today, it is your duty to kick him in the nadgers. Steel-capped boots and burly henchmen to hold his arms will be available on request.
Tuesday: Bring your Otter to Work Day. After last year's triumph, you are cordially invited to bring your otters, voles, badgers and weasels for a day's work experience. Please, no ferrets - they only spend the day mucking about on the photocopier. And to avoid any confusion, Bring Your Tiger to Work Day is NEXT Tuesday.
Wednesday: Saint J Edgar Hoover Day. The faithful celebrate the memory of the patron saint of cross-dressing - and the miracle of the panty-girdle of Antioch - by hanging around the lingerie department in Marks and Spencers. Prince Charles will attend a service at the Bromley branch of Ann Summers.
Thursday: Special Extreme Sports World Championships - Final Day. Stephen Hawking and Christopher Reeve go head-to-head in the climax of the street luge tournament. Golden Hill, Shaftesbury - indoors if wet.
Friday: Armageddon. The end of the world as we know it. Four horsemen. The whore of Babylon. Fire and brimstone, much wailing and gnashing of teeth. The rapture. Doom, death, destruction, horror and Kylie Minogue's birthday. Last day of the Chelsea Flower Show.
Saturday: Jennifer Lopez Engagement Party. Another packed house expected for this popular weekly event, sponsored by Elizabeth Duke of Argos - the pikey's choice. Followed by dinner, dancing and the The-Whole-Thing's-Off Announcement just before midnight. No paparazzi. Bring bottle and bird.
Sunday: World Sardines Championships. Once again, the Vatican welcomes the world for this important televised sporting event. Can America's Ron Jeremy repeat his triumph of 2003, with his stunning record of twenty-seven nuns in the vestry of the Sistine Chapel? Or can British hopeful Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor upset the odds with his team of highly trained choirboys? Full coverage on Sky Sports One throughout this action-packed day.
OK boss, if you're reading this, I confess. I sneaked out of work forty-five minutes early last week, and I paid the price.
Just as I got one hundred yards down the road to the station, the skies turned as night, the heavens opened and a downpour of biblical proportions unleashed itself directly unto the head of the sinner. As my train arrived, the monsoon abrputly stopped, the sun came out, leaving me gently steaming on platform five at Reading.
I was able to wring several pints of water out of my t-shirt alone, and emptying my boots caused a minor tidal wave. If there was a plus side to this little episode, despite the train being packed no-one would sit next to a drowned rat.
Karma had just bitten me on the arse. That'll learn me.