Thursday, May 13, 2004

Letter to the Guardian

The Grauniard's "Fiver" column has recently been discussing bad museum visits, and the subject of the disturbing proximity of Dorset's Tank Musuem and Monkey Sanctuary came up. I've been to both, so I had to throw in my entirely barking opinion. The published it too, the fools.

Dear The Boss

I can quite understand the confusion heaped upon visitors to Dorset by the close proximity of Monkey World and the Tank Museum, being a resident there myself. That's Dorset, and not Monkey World, by the way.

Such has been the expansion of Monkey World over recent years, that the two attractions are now mere yards apart, and it is hardly surprising that there appears to be some sort of inmate exchange programme happening between the two. Additionally, there are also no less than a dozen servicable nuclear reactors less than a mile away at Winfrith, leading me to believe that should the worst happen, we only have ourselves to blame.

In fact, visit the area on a Friday night, and you will see any number of apes from the joint army barracks/monkey sanctuary wearing burberry accessories over lightly-shaved body hair as they head off for a night of drinking and casual violence in Weymouth, or, if they really want to slum it, Poole. Then they let these people drive tanks and shoot huge guns, with firey armageddon literally around the corner.

It is, I fear, only a matter of time before our Simian friends get their hairy little hands on a bunch of Panzers and T-38s, and Charlton Heston will be crawling up a beach screaming "Damn you all to hell!"

I am not mad.


Alistair Coleman, cowering in a lead-lined shed somewhere in Dorset.

The Thursday vote-o

Seeing as I simply can't be arsed, there is no Thursday vote-o. Instead, see if you can guess the subject matter of tomorrow's Scary story.

The Scaryduck Archive

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