Women! I don't care what you say - when shopping to a budget, air freshener and Bloo Loo do not count as "essentials". Neither, come to think of it, does dishwasher cleaner. The insides of dishwashers are clean, otherwise they are, to use the technical term, broken.
And yes, I really do need a whopping great container of mixed nuts and raisons (reduced from 2.98 to 79p in the post-Christmas slump) - the doctor's* put me on a special "foul breath" diet.
You know how that old, old saying goes: "Women - can't live with 'em, can't club 'em to death with a lump hammer and bury 'em in the garden." And John Lennon said that**.
These are desperate times for those of us hit by government restrictions on the slave trade. I have witnessed with my own eyes a colleague eating a pot noodle mixed with pilchards straight out of the tin. And I remain convinced that he was 100 per cent sober.
In times of financial woe, I have jazzed up baked beans with curry powder, whilst one of Mrs Duck's uncles went several days living off a wedding cake he found on the hard shoulder of the M4***.
Manky food? I bet you've had worse...
* Tom Baker