Paint me disgusted. They've quietly made Chunky Kitkats smaller by hiding the fact that they've left us 10 per cent lighter behind a rubbish promotion. Fact the facts cannot lie. They are now 50g instead of 55g and I STILL GOT CHARGED 35p.
This is a clear case of theft by Nestle. This is what they are: bastards. Does anyone know the phone number for 999?
Big respect to Debenhams for their response to the three-minutes' silence for the Tsunami victims yesterday, for recognising that many of their customers possess short attention spans thanks to the demands of today's modern living, and would be unable to hold out for the entire 180 seconds demanded by the International Silence Length Deliberation Board.
As the clocks struck twelve, solemn announcements were made and heads were bowed, they thoughtfully played Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative" over the public address system to entertain the easily bored and the local chavs clamouring for January bargains. Bazzin', as the youth of today would no doubt say. And I got stared at for body-popping.
But kudos to Debenhams for going upbeat. Marks and Spencers - lightweights that they are - went for Everybody Hurts, resulting in at least three customers throwing themselves off the escalators in disgust.
It could have been far worse, if you'll allow me to make my regular visit to the Planet Tasteless - but "Tsunami" by the Manic Street Preachers, fine song that it is, may well get any DJ who dares to play it lynched by an angry mob. Hmmm... "Dear Chris Moyles, Please could you play the following record for my mate's birthday. He's a huge fan of the Manics..."
If you're still here after that little aside, I've been a busy bugger this week, and am in a position to present no less than six Scary Tales for your delight:
* Haunted Holiday - WooOOoooOOooOOoo three ice creams and a choc ice, please
* Underneath the Arches - No Bud Flanagans were killed or injured in the writing of this story
* Scrumping - Fruit! Fruit! Rubber Johnnies! Fruit!
* Marilyn - Cross-dressing woe
* Cubs' Camp - A woeful tale of small boys' inhumanity to small boy
* Scatalogical Manouevres in the Dark - I don't know why I bother. It's obvious you're going to vote for this one.
Vote-o, or the terrorists have won.
And while I'm vote-whoring, just do as Janetyjanet says and VOTE FOR ME. God, I'm so cheap.