Speaking in Tongues

Speaking in Tongues

"Fuck off!" said Scarybrother. "I ran at them shouting that piece of language that is internationally recognised in a way that the inventors of Esperanto can only dream of: 'Fuck off!'".

Wise words indeed, my padowan learner, ample illusraion that all attempts to create a universal language for the good of mankind are doomed to failure, and for two very good resons:

One - There is already a perfectly functional language spoke the world over for this purpose: English. Thanks to the spread of the British Empire and American cultural imperialism, even the most obstinate, soap-dodging Frenchman will get the message when at the receiving end of a well-aimed "Fuck off."

With skillful use of other universals such as "Coca Cola", "beer", "Durex" and "suckee-fuckee only ten dorrar" the basic needs of any westerner can be sated anywhere in the world.

Two - The grand plan for a world language - Esperanto - has been, to be perfectly honest, totally shit. Do you know how many people actually use Esperanto in their everyday lives? There are more Latin speakers in the world, and at least the language has a use in scientific circles.

If someone tells you "Oh, I speak Esperanto, you know", this is actually code for "I'm an utter cunt."* In all probability, they probably needed another useless, time-wasting pastime after filling in their Ian Allan trainspotting book and adding extra stains to their anorak.

If you are reading this and you are an Esperantist (and God, I've tried to look up Esperanta in an atlas), perhaps you'd like to tell the rest of the class why, before standing in the corner for a bit.

Even Esperanto swearing is a bit shit. I say "fuck". They say " Seksumi". Forgive me if I'm wrong, but that is a kind of small orange, isn't it? Similarly, "Fuck off" is " Forfikigi", which is an Italian pasta dish, while calling someone a " Patrinfikulo" or "Malcastulino" just doesn't have the right kind of ring, does it? The soft bunch of fucking cock-badgering cunt-nuts. There are enough languages in the world without having to invent another.**

* I once met someone who had taught himself to read, write and speak Elvish through the intense study of Lord of the Rings and other works. He was, I can tell you for nothing, a beardy sandal-wearing streak of piss who you could smell a mile off.

** Klingon is a real language, and I'll fight anyone who says otherwise.