Inappropriate places to masturbate
Lazy blogging, cut-and-pasted from a messageboard in another place. Read, digest, knock one out (unless you're reading this in a public library), add to list.
97. During the Queen's speech. Especially if you are the cameraman. Or the Queen.
98. Whilst leading the community singing of "Abide With Me" during the FA Cup Final.
101. In the centre circle during the FA Cup Final*
111. Whilst umpiring the second test against the West Indies at Lords.
115. During a period of silence for the victims of tragedy or war.
118. At 'Wrestlemania' . - suggested by Blast Radius
122. In the buffet car of the 1748 Weymouth - London Waterloo service.
146. Whilst watching Dick'n'Dom in da Bungalow with your mum. It's not what they mean by "creamy muck muck".
147. Whilst on a guided tour of Anne Frank's house. And I don't care if you are in Amsterdam, saying "she was one hot piece of fluff" is going to get you hunted down like a dog by Simon Wiesenthal.
148. During assembly on your first day as headmaster at a large public school.
149. In the dock at the Old Bailey whilst on charges of "bumming TV's Jeremy Clarkson in the face" (unless entering a plea of insanity).
163. Whilst singing "Candle in the Wind" at Princess Diana's funeral.
169. During Holy Communion. Especially if you are the vicar. Doubly especially if you are a girl vicar trying to impress a visiting bishop.
190. Whilst appearing as a competitor on "Countdown". Extra credit if Ann Widdecombe is in Dictionary Corner.
*Unless you are Ryan Giggs.
The Thursday wossname. Vote-o.
Seven stories. Seven mysteries leading to entirely true tales of mirth and woe. But this week, there are no titles. Instead, I have mixed up the list and given nothing to go on but a frightening picture of Ann Widdecombe in the prime of her life** and seven random quotes from the Scary Tales in question.
1. "......." said Mrs Duck.
2. "Light the blue touchpaper, and retire to a safe distance."
3. "That embarrassing manly trouser bulge."
4. "He returned cold, wet and had clearly shat his pants."
5. "He was stuck fast, right up to the hilt."
6. "He assured us that it would bring a suitable climax to the action"
7. "A sachet of tomato ketchup and six straws please"
It's a voting spectacular, and not fixed in any way whatsoever.
** The baby oil is hidden just out of shot, and she's saving it for you, sinner!