Top 100 websites about Ducks, ever
These "Top 100" shows are getting out of hand. On Saturday, I sat through "Top 100 TV cars" with a bunch of talking heads lying through their teeth on how good Knight Rider was and desperately trying to make out that they are doing something important. Then, Sunday saw Top 100 cartoons with Jimmy bloody Carr, while Five weighed in on Monday with Top 50 TV Bitches, where "Handy" "Andy" "Kane" was the only straight man to be seen in a sea of orange fake tans.
Where will it end? The Top 100 Top 100 Show? Top 100 Talking Heads For Hire? If I ever see Andi Peters waxing lyrical on United bars in Top 100 Biscuits (hosted, Naturally by Maxine Carr's annoying brother Jimmy), I shall personally piss down the back of my television.
In the name of bringing this madness to a sensible conclusion, I am hoping to pitch the following to Channel 4 any day now. It is, I hope you agree, a real prime-time ratings winner.
Top 100 Things We Shot Out of a Cannon Straight Up Jimmy Carr's Arse
A seven hour marathon of anal torture featuring objects voted on by you, the Channel 4 viewer, ranging from a golf ball with nails sticking out at no.74 to a blue whale at number 12. Highlights of the chart include:
100. Brain-eating zombie Dame Thora Hird
83. All the copies of "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins, in the world, ever
50. A rabid dog, a snake and Wee Jimmie Krankie trussed up in a bag
49. Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe joyriding on the back of a dustcart filled with pig offal
19. Six of diamonds from the American "most wanted" list Sabawi Ibrahim al-Hasan al-Tikriti
8. That dancing car/robot thing from the Citroen CX advert
The programme itself will be presented by Jimmy Carr, who, at the climax of the show, will fire himself out of a cannon straight up his own arse. A sight that will live in the memory for long, jaw-dropping minutes, before switching over to see a film about shagging on Five.
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