The Art of the Dirty Letter

The Art of the Dirty Letter: ”Dear Fiesta…” explained for girls

Following last week’s “Zombie Dave” story, certain readers have asked me about the fabled "Dear Fiesta" letter and the rules that must be adhered to in the writing of same.

All I can say to my female readers is that it's a man thing. Actually, I don’t think any man over the age of twenty-one actually buys Fiesta, so that would make it a teenage thing, there. My suspicions were confirmed when one the mankier kids at our school sent them a letter “Last night I did it with a lady. It was great,” to see it published the following month.

Letters from "Fiesta readers" to Britain's favourite soft-porn mag, were, the editorial staff swore, not made up at all, although I know of at least one Scaryduck reader who made quite a living doing that very thing as a student. The “I Confess” page, I learn, paid particularly well.

The rules of the Letter to Fiesta clearly state that any communication should start as follows:

"Dear Fiesta, you won't believe the most incredible thing that happened to me the other day."

After the stock intro, there then follows the ad-libbed part of varying length, which describes an unlikely sexual encounter. Perm any from the following list:

* “I fancied her for ages, but I never would have guessed…”
* the attractive divorcee who lives next door/works in the same office as a cleaner/sells marital aids door-to-door/volunteers as a nurse in the sperm donor clinic OR
* any breathing female between the ages of 18 and 80
* the latest fashionable foible(“She pulled back the curtain to reveal the entire Morriston Orpheus Male Voice Choir” or “Then I opened the fridge and she moaned at the sight of the strawberry yoghurt”)
* the dead giveaway (“They both gasped at my nine-inch tool” and/or “We did it five times that night”)
* the phrase “she was clearly gagging for it” by way on an excuse for the whole tawdry affair.

The words “gallons of spunk” are mandatory and MUST be included, even if physically impossible.

After business is concluded, a standard Letter to Fiesta will sign off with "We're going to do it again next time we get the chance" and/or "The Aristocrats!"

Students of the genre are able to correctly identify writing styles and conclude – rather like Daily Telegraph crossword compilers - there are no more than four regular smutty letter-writers currently plying their trade in the UK jazz correspondence market.

Now, if you’ll excuse me…

“Dear Fiesta…”