The Golden Turd Awards
And you thought that I'd forgotten. You'd be right, too. What with all this crapping-in-gardens business, I'd completely forgotten my call for the most hateful inventions of this modern age. So, here we are then.
I started the ball rolling with the Tork T-Box, that dreadful bulk bog-roll holder designed solely to make your trip to the workplace toilet as miserable as possible. And what did I get in return? My, your lifes are miserable, aren't they?
* The mini-roundabout, and its bastard cousins...
* The speed bump and the traffic-calming scheme
* The entire Kleeneze and Betterware catalogue range
* Vacuum-packaging on food, CDs, bulk packs of Vac-Pack etc
* London bendy busses
* The Jamie Oliver Flavour Shaker
* Electric hand-driers
* RFID (Radio Frequency Identification. Those little chips they've started putting inside things like packets of razor blades, consumer products and national ID cards, so The Man can track them. And you.)
* James Blunt
My money's on Fat Tongue's useless kitchen device, which he really ought to consider marketing with a heavy-duty battery and ribs up the side. As with the majority of pointless kitchen products it does the same job as something you've probably already got, or can pick up in Kwik Save for 50p. Oliver, you're a cunt.
Bog roll? Kitchen crap? Anti car devices? Blunt? You decide. YOU!
Running - quite literally - into celebrity brick out-house Sir Steve Redgrave last night, I have somehow promised to plug his world record attempt at charity fund-raising on these here pages. So: Donate-o-Steve, or he'll snap my arms off. Lovely guy. Lovely.