I had this awful dream last night. I dreamed I had joined the Anglo-Saxons in a huge battle against a bunch of terrible Vikings led by towsel-haired beserker Boris Johnson. Armed only with a biro and an Adidas bag, I fought my way through the axe-wielding hoardes, leaving a trail of broken, moaning bodies in my wake, whilst Anne Widdecombe sung extracts from Wagner in the background.
As the battle died and the bodies twitched no more, I was brought before the head Saxon: the much-feared "Das Crab" in his luxury caravan, where I was given my Anglo-Saxon name. "Dave."
"Das Crab" also gave me a quest, a quest to prove my worthiness as an Anglo-Saxon called "Dave". I was to be sent to Currys to by a new stereo, so they could listen to their national anthem - "I'm the Urban Spaceman" by the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band.
And I think you can see the anachronism here - they didn't have any Currys stores back in Saxon times, so I was forced to buy the boom-box in a local Euronics Centre from that camp beardy fella Jeremy Spake. A terrible quest, indeed.
I returned to "Das Crab", who told me I was not worthy of a "Dave" because I had shelled out sixty groats on the extended warranty. Instead, I was to be allowed a tent and a limited supply of pointy sticks, which is a result in anybody's book.
Then I woke up. I've really got to lay off the cheese.
I am not mad.
To the Ducklings' school on Friday, where they marked World Book Day by dressing up as the book character of their choice. No problem for Scaryduckling, who attended as a Narnia-type child, whilst I donned my best frock and thrilled the crowds as the Snow Queen as portrayed by the not-bonkers-at-all Tilda Swinton.
Scaryduck Jr, however, was a completely different kettle of fish, as he had no desire to put on a pointy hat and a cape and join the expected swarms of Harry Potters.
In the end he put on his best suit and went as Patrick Bateman.
And what a palaver that caused. Well, we weren't to know chainsaws were against School Rules. It's not as if it was plugged in, or anything. Live and Learn.
I am no longer surprised by my referrer logs, and it is pleasing to see they are a fair reflection of current events. Yes: this site is the number one source on Yahoo for Tessa Jowell nude. Poor Tessa Jowell's husband. He's missing her already.