Revenge Week

"Blind Revenge on the Blameless Victim"

"Revenge is a dish best served straight from the microwave, garnished with dried dog poo, broken glass and the rotting corpse of a dead mouse." -- Sun Tzu, 'The Art of War'

"Do a blog thing about dreadful acts of revenge", says my colleague and former Hell's Angel Mr Bolton. "Do it or I break both your arms, and you'll only be able to type with a head dobber."

Fair enough.

He tells us of a former workmate who was both a truly unpleasant bastard, and had the ability to stink out the entire building with just a single waft of his armpits. In a building containing only single men who listed their hobbies as amateur radio, this was no mean feat.

A plan was hatched. A plan, in which he received two dozen cans of Tesco Value deodorant through the internal mail by way of a hint. He didn't take it very well, and was last seen working as the car park attendant at the Atomic Weapon Establishment.

"This your nuclear weapon? You can't park it there mate, not without a permit."

In my day, revenge was meted out on the unpleasant and deserving, by running them at a tree, one leg either side of the trunk. It was called "the tree", and from personal experience, I can tell you this: it hurt like fuckery.

"Ah, yes, very primitive," said Mr Bolton, "We used to build a wicker man."

"What? Alan Whicker?"

"No... one of these."

Harsh but fair, if you ask me. But more immediate and painful than ordering the entire contents of the Oilrigs and Frankly Massive Steel Construction Catalogue (lingerie edition) on approval. And with letterboxes coming with steel teeth these days to deter postmen, the act of the poo-in-the-mail-slot is becoming a lost art.

So, with the British Justice System falling deeper into anarchy day-by-day, we need to take the law into our own hands more often. What awful acts of revenge do you recommend?